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July 25 2020
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“I have, like, a good memory.”

  1. Name a country that is not Russia.
  2. Here are three shapes. Put a check under each one that is a shape.
  1. If you put a rhombus, or a parallelogram with opposite equal acute angles, next to a round plane figure whose circumference consists of points equidistant from a fixed point, what is Mike Pence’s wife’s name?
  2. An acronym coined in 1996 refers to the fear that stems from thinking that other people are having fun when you are not. The acronym is:

    1. ICBM.
    2. FOMO.
  3. María Guadalupe and her son Mahmoud, who live in Boulder, like to wear masks while shopping for micro-batched organic produce at the farmers market. What has happened to our country?
  4. During a viral pandemic, what is the best way to cover one’s face in order to curb transmission?

    1. Loosely knotting a bandanna around your neck like a golden retriever in a beer commercial.
    2. Can I pay someone to do this for me?
  5. If something you once called a “hoax” later goes on to harm the people you’re meant to protect, even killing 143,000 of them, what’s your response to people who get all judgy on you?

    1. Tell them about the 7,000 times that you predicted stuff with stunning, almost psychic accuracy, like a Kresky or a Nostrildamus.
    2. Tell them, “I said ‘Oates,’ not ‘hoax.’ The guy from Hall & Oates.”
  6. Think about the numbers 7 and 100. Why is 100 better? Why does 7 seem like such a loser? Can we get rid of 7? Make 7 go away.
  7. In the space below, please correctly spell “Kayleigh McEnany.”
  8. The best solution to soaring infection rates and plummeting popularity ratings is:

    1. A second Diet Coke button.
    2. More of you on television.

Scoring: No guidelines for scoring this test are possible now, but we assure you, we have the best possible scoring. The only reason why national averages on this test are low is because we do so much testing.

Henry Alford writes regularly for Air Mail

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