DAY 1: President replaces presidential seal with Louis Vuitton logo.

DAY 2: President changes name of G7 to Ye7.

DAY 3: President announces that he and Kim have decided the International Monetary Fund does not seem “fresh.”

DAY 4: President launches prayer-in-school program by setting Lord’s Prayer to house beats and distorted synth chords.

DAY 5: President and First Lady detail plan to base the West administration on Black Panther’s Wakanda, “especially all the hand-tooled, neoprene unitardy shit.”

DAY 6: President insists on spray-cleaning all dignitaries he interacts with, earning him the nickname “Febreezy.”

DAY 7: President tells a Washington Post reporter that the greatest invention of the 20th century is the caps-lock key.

DAY 8: President interrupts emergency U.N. summit to declare himself the intellectual offspring of Elie Wiesel and Willy Wonka.

DAY 9: President tells earthquake victim that his own greatest tragedy is not being able to see himself perform live.

DAY 10: President deflects bear hug from Vladimir Putin with “Imma need to see your hands.”

DAY 11: President argues that never having voted in his life makes him unbeholden and “clean as a Swiffered baby Jeezy.”

DAY 12: President tries to ease chilly reception from Queen Elizabeth by whispering, “I jog in Lanvin.”

DAYS 13–98: President has all chairs in Congress permanently configured in the pattern of the Bellagio fountain.

DAY 99: President resigns, saying, “Nah, I was just fuckin’ with you.”

DAY 100: President drops album, My Days in Kimelot.

Henry Alford writes regularly for Air Mail