January 8
The Duke and Duchess of Sussex announce they are to step down as senior royals. Instead, they will “carve out a progressive new role” for themselves within the royal family and continue to support the Queen. Nation feels sad and asks if this translates roughly as: “We’ll turn up if it’s black tie and tiaras in central London. If it’s a wet Wednesday in Wigan, forget it.”
January 14
Stormzy says we’ve all been beastly to Meghan. Nation reminds itself that it went to Windsor 18 months ago to line the streets and cheer, and feels sadder. See also Brixton, Nottingham, Edinburgh, Cardiff …
January 19
Prince Harry explains how his life was so intolerable, he had no choice but to quit. Nation looks at national flood emergency, widespread use of food banks and its empty current account, and confirms it would be happy to have a crack at being royal instead.
January 23
Oprah says everyone’s been beastly to Meghan and we should all shut up.
Prince Harry explains how his life was so intolerable, he had no choice but to quit.
January 30
Meghan’s half-sister, Samantha, fails to shut up. “Without [their father],” she says from her home in America, “she’d be a waitress.”
February 21
Harry and Meghan are ordered by the Palace to remove the word “royal” from their sprauncy new Sussex Royal branding.
February 26
Prince Harry flies nearly 5,000 miles from Canada to the UK for a conference on sustainable travel. He tells delegates in Edinburgh: “Just call me Harry.”
February 27
Canada stops the direct debit helping to pay for their security. In the coming weeks, a government minister says, the assistance will cease “in keeping with their change in status”.
March 5
At an awards ceremony in London, Meghan’s first public appearance in the UK for two months, she’s photographed looking like several million dollars in a blue Victoria Beckham dress, grinning happily at Prince Harry in the rain. Nation looks at them and thinks: “Must you go? Is it really so bad?”
March 6
Meghan makes a “secret” trip to Robert Clack School in Dagenham to mark International Women’s Day, where she asks the assembled pupils to “value the women in your lives”. Invited to the podium to discuss why men should be involved in the fight for women’s equality, the head boy, Aker Okoye, is greeted with a hug, before taking the microphone and saying: “She really is beautiful, innit?” Photos and videos of the “secret” trip are later posted to the Sussex Royal Instagram account, in a post urging followers to “uplift one another”.
Harry and Meghan are ordered by the Palace to remove the word “royal” from their sprauncy new Sussex Royal branding.
March 9
Huge row erupts about the core principle at the heart of the royal family: status. Specifically who sits when and where at the Commonwealth Day service at Westminster Abbey. The Cambridges are due to process in with Queen. The Sussexes are told to sit it out. The issue is resolved when it’s agreed that none of them will take part in the procession, they’ll all be sitting when the Queen walks in. Nation considers the possibility that spending the rest of her life seated on the sidelines while William and Kate take centre stage might not be what Meghan had in mind. Today, Meghan wears something brand new and bright green, Kate wears the royal equivalent of “this old thing” and completely, utterly and totally blanks her brother-in-law and his wife.
March 11
Prince Harry is duped into thinking two Russians who call him up on his mobile are the Swedish climate-change activist Greta Thunberg and her dad. He talks candidly about how separate he is from his family, and disparagingly about the elected president of the country to which he will shortly be moving. Buckingham Palace declines to comment.
March 26
Prince Charles, aged 71, tests positive for coronavirus. The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge release a video of their three young children clapping for NHS carers.
March 27
Harry, Meghan and Archie fly by private jet from Canada to Los Angeles to start a new life in the midst of a global pandemic. Taken to task in the past for his use of private jets while championing climate change, Harry replies that he only did it occasionally and only then for security reasons. Never, for example, because the border’s about to be closed to non-essential travel, there aren’t any commercial flights, you’re in a bit of a hurry, and have you flown commercial recently? Ick.
Prince Harry is duped into thinking two Russians who call him up on his mobile are the Swedish climate-change activist Greta Thunberg and her dad.
March 29
Donald Trump says on Twitter that the US won’t pay for their security protection. “I am a great friend and admirer of the Queen and the United Kingdom,” he says pointedly, adding that when it comes to Meghan and Harry’s security, “they must pay!”.
March 30
The Sussex Royal social media accounts close down with the mysterious words “You’ve been great!”
“We are confident that every human being has the potential and opportunity to make a difference,” they add. “Together we can lift each other up to realise the fullness of that promise.” Nation tries and fails to understand what they’re on about and gives up.
March 31
Harry and Meghan officially step down as working members of the royal family.
April 3
Meghan’s voiceover for a Disney film about elephants is released, after Prince Harry was overheard pitching the chief executive of Disney for work at a film premiere last year.
April 5
The Queen delivers the speech of a lifetime, ending with the words: “We should take comfort that while we may have more still to endure, better days will return: we will be with our friends again; we will be with our families again; we will meet again.” Nation reaches for the tissues.
April 6
Harry and Meghan launch their new brand. It will be called Archewell, they announce, after the Greek word for “source of action”. In the future they promise they will be doing “something of meaning, something that matters”. Nation looks up from worrying about whether the prime minister is going to die and the country is going bankrupt, to say: “Do keep us posted.”
Easter Sunday, April 12
Meghan and Harry start helping to deliver food to the needy on the other side of the world. In due course, photographs of them doing so, hand-in-hand and wearing face masks, are published worldwide.
Harry and Meghan launch their new brand. It will be called Archewell.
Buckingham Palace publishes the Queen’s soothing Easter message, in which she states that coronavirus will not overcome us, and calmly encouraging hope in times of darkness.
April 17
One hundred days since Megxit. Princess Anne tells Vanity Fair that certain members of the younger generation are trying to reinvent the wheel, and describes herself as “the boring old fuddy-duddy at the back saying, ‘Don’t forget the basics.’”
April 19, Morning
The UK coronavirus death toll tops 15,000 as the country enters its fifth week of lockdown and a 99-year-old man with a walking frame single-handedly becomes a reason to be cheerful in a harrowing world. In Los Angeles, Prince Harry says that things in the UK aren’t so bad. “They’re better than we are led to believe,” he tells a podcast. An eminent scientist describes his comments as “outrageous”.
April 19, Evening
The couple release a statement saying they will have no more dealings with UK tabloids, whom they accuse of publishing “distorted, false or invasive” stories. Since they are at present embroiled in legal proceedings with several of the publications listed, this could probably have been taken as read. The first court hearing is due to take place by video link on Friday.