“Hello, Ducky. Like what you see? Wanna talk dirty? No holds barred, just hot! Hot! Hot! Call 0800 123456 NOW for the steamiest sex chat in the UK and, who knows, maybe something more … xxx”

I mean, in the name of all that is holy, look at him. Look at his boobs. His biceps. His upper mons pubis. Scariest of all, look at his eyes.

Start your free trial to read the full story

Subscribe to Air Mail to access every article
and search our entire Arts Intel Report.

Already a subscriber? Sign in here.