If reports are true — and, please God, don’t let them be — then the Duke and Duchess of Sussex are planning their very own New Year Honours list. Papers filed in the US apparently show that Harry and Meghan’s Archewell foundation is preparing to distribute alternative awards that will celebrate “charitable service, education, science, literature, racial justice, gender equity, environmental stewardship, youth empowerment, health and mental health”. All of which, if you ask me, are far too specific. Here are the medals that Harry and Meghan should be handing out instead.

The Archewell Medal for Self-Actualized Emotional Intelligence

The real honors list places too much emphasis on real things that people have actually done in real life. Where are the awards for people who have spent the year working on themselves? Perhaps they made the choice to banish their negative energy. Perhaps they read the self-help book that Adele kept going on about this year. Perhaps they bought a Peloton. Either way, these people deserve recognition just as much as actual heroes do.

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