America has done strange things to Prince Harry. Once he was simply a hard-drinking, Nazi-dressing, naked pool-playing minor royal. But now, thanks to the bizarre new video he made to mark the launch of WaterBear — a service called somewhat redundantly “The Netflix for documentaries” — it’s clear that he has now gone full California, cramming his vocabulary with an endless barrage of empty faux-profound psychobabble. “What if every single one of us was a raindrop?” he asked at one point. If you want to talk like Prince Harry, and you definitely do, here are some tips.
Be Slightly Meaningless
Apart from the raindrop line, the best thing that Harry said in his speech was this: “Being in nature is the most healing part of life, I truly believe that’s one reason why it’s there.” Because while it may sound good in the moment, on closer inspection it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. A good exercise is to use this blueprint to describe other things around you. Try saying: “Drizzle is the most empowering form of precipitation, I truly believe that’s one reason why we have a sky.” Or: “Bananas are the most holistic food in the shop, I truly believe that’s one of the reasons why we have shops.”
Be Inspirational
Don’t be interesting. To be interesting is to possess a distinct personality and a compelling worldview. Being inspirational, on the other hand, is a far easier proposition. The quickest way to be inspirational is to simply describe everything around you as inspirational. Activism is inspirational. Nature is inspirational. Your shoes, in the right conditions, have the potential to be inspirational. What do these things actually inspire you to do? Nobody knows, and that’s the beauty of it.
It’s clear that he has now gone full California, cramming his vocabulary with an endless barrage of empty faux-profound psychobabble.
Be Energized
Again, please don’t confuse being energized with being enthusiastic. For example, try to imagine Gwyneth Paltrow being enthusiastic about anything. It’s impossible, isn’t it? Nevertheless, she is perpetually energized. Sunrise yoga makes her energized. Smoothies make her energized. Wellness makes her energized. Next time you feel enthusiastic, try to be a bit more bland and wan, and you’ll be well on your way.
Talk About Raindrops
We really do have to address this. “What if every single one of us was a raindrop, and if every single one of us cared?” may be the most perfect line ever uttered by a human being. It works as an inspirational quote you could put on Instagram. It works as something you would embroider on a cushion. It works as the first line of a genuinely terrible folk song. What does it mean? Nobody knows, and that’s what makes it so perfectly Californian.
Ruin Common Phrases
Have you heard the phrase “actions speak louder than words”? Of course you have. But that isn’t Californian enough for Prince Harry, who during his speech chose to rephrase it as: “For me it’s about putting the do’s behind the say’s.” Again, this hopeless New Age word salad is easy enough to replicate. Instead of saying, “Honesty is the best policy”, try “For me, it’s about putting the trues behind the falses.” Instead of “Attack is the best form of defense,” try “For me, it’s about putting the goes behind the stops.” Instead of saying, “Silence is golden,” say, “For me, it’s about putting the nothings behind the somethings.”
Have Almost No Real Responsibilities Whatsoever
This is the big one. If you really want to live in an uplifted cloud of energized Californian inspiration, it seems the best way is to have lots of free time, a fat pillow of disposable income and no proper job to speak of. In this regard, Prince Harry was born to be Californian.
Stuart Heritage is a Kent, U.K.–based Writer at Large for AIR MAIL