Prince Andrew seems to have a new metallic green, $150,000 Range Rover that I thought I’d mention to give us all a boost. See, it’s not all doom and gloom out there, guys. Good things still happen to good people. However, I was surprised to read that on said vehicle (petrol-electric hybrid, massage seats, no word on a walnut dash, but we can probably assume) he still has his personalized number plate.
I presume it’s the same one he’s had for years that ends DOY, which stands for Duke of York and not, as some upstarts joked after his car-crash interview with Emily Maitlis “Dickhead of Year”. Where’s the respect, eh? But I do have to ask, respectfully — DOY, are you mad?
If I had chummed up to a convicted sex offender and become a global laughing stock having to deny allegations that I had sex with a 17-year-old and been stripped of my royal duties I would not wish to draw attention to myself when I was heading off for one of my “straightforward shooting weekends”. No point in having privacy glass if your number plate dobs you in, effectively screaming: “Here he is! His Royal Dryness” (sweat joke).
I have always been fascinated by how vanity compels people to pay thousands of pounds for something that comes free with their car and simply misspells their name. As Viz has said, it’s far cheaper to change your name to your number plate (just call me M16 OGZ). And they never look anything like people’s names anyway. Someone once suggested I splash out about $650 on a number plate that read something like C421 ROL. Eh? But that’s not even close. I don’t understand why anyone would do this. Better to cut to the chase and have one that says MA551VE T1T.
I have always been fascinated by how vanity compels people to pay thousands of pounds for something that comes free with their car and simply misspells their name.
Buying a personalized number plate is like paying to mark your car out as more of a target for thieves and vandals. Is that what you want, DOY? Is it? Of course, this isn’t the only way to identify oneself as a TW4T.
You could take a selfie in the gym with the hashtags #smashingit #feeltheglow, which is cheaper than buying a number plate reading ORG 45M. You could shout, “Nice arse,” at a random stranger as you drive past. Or you could place your bag on the adjacent seat of a bus or train, then pretend to be asleep.
You could repeatedly say at someone’s silver wedding anniversary party, “Twenty five years? You get less than that for murder!” then laugh uproariously at your own joke. You could sport a car sticker saying, “Golfers do it standing up!” or when you meet someone who is very tall and perhaps self-conscious about it, say, “What’s the weather like up there?” As is having a long phone conversation on a train, preferably on loud speaker and full of detail about your “cycle”.
Save your money. No need to spend $32,550 on a rectangle of metal to establish yourself as a bit of an AR5E. Not when you can wait until someone bends down to pick something up then say: “While you’re down there …”
