September 1939, Radio Fireside Chat
TRUMP: My fellow Americans, some of you may have heard the fake news that Germany “invaded” Poland yesterday. I did quotes with my fingers around “invaded” in case you couldn’t hear that I was being sarcastic. Ever hear of sarcasm? Anyway, I asked Chancellor Hitler if it was an invasion, and he very, very strongly denied it. So we’ll see what happens.
October 1939, Press Conference
REPORTER: Did you bring up the war in your telegrams with Hitler yesterday?
TRUMP: No, I didn’t. We discussed many other things that are important.
REPORTER: Such as what?
TRUMP: I wrote, “YOU UP QUERY.” And he wrote, “YES COMMA IT IS MORNING HERE STOP WHAT TIME IS IT FOR YOU QUERY.” And I wrote, “4 AM BUT THAT IS WHEN I SEND MY BEST TELEGRAMS STOP.” And he wrote “I AM LAUGHING OUT LOUD RIGHT NOW STOP.”
REPORTER: You don’t think it sends the wrong message to our allies to be friendly with Adolf Hitler?
TRUMP: Look, it’s in our interest to have a good relationship with Hitler. All you people do is bring up Hitler, Hitler, Hitler. The Hitler Hoax, I call it. What about Japan? Why don’t you ask Roosevelt about Japan?
REPORTER: Roosevelt hasn’t been president since 1936, when you defeated him by a margin of victory of negative three million votes.
TRUMP: Believe me, this so-called World War Two is all going to go away by August, like a miracle. So let’s just sit tight, O.K., folks?
December 1941, Fireside Chat
TRUMP: Yesterday, December 7, 1941—a date which will live in infamy … infamy? Oh, they meant “in fame.” I’m the most famous person in the world right now, probably. So, yesterday, a date which will live in fame—by the way, this is when the average politician says (mock-serious and deep voice), “The United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan.” See, I told you, Japan was the real enemy all along. One of my generals said the last big war was called “the Great War.” I said, “So now that we’re involved, this is the Greatest War, right?” He said, “Yes, sir.” And I said, “Say it. Say that this is the Greatest War in history.” He said, “Sir, this is the Greatest War.” And I said, “Don’t forget to say ‘in history.’” He said the full thing, and then I got a few more generals to say it. So, many people are saying that this is the Greatest War in history.
November 1942, Tour of Los Alamos Site
J. ROBERT OPPENHEIMER: And this is where we will develop the nuclear technology for the Manhattan Project.
TRUMP: (perks up) Did you say Manhattan?
OPPENHEIMER: Yes, that is our code name for—
TRUMP: I’m very well known in Manhattan. You ever been to the Stork Club?
“Believe me, this so-called World War Two is all going to go away by August, like a miracle.”
OPPENHEIMER: Is that a laboratory?
TRUMP: No, it’s a nightclub. What are you, a loser? Anyway, what’s the deal here?
OPPENHEIMER: We are creating a weapon of terrible destructive powers, one we must use only in the direst of circum—
TRUMP: Can I press the button?
OPPENHEIMER: Mr. President, I’m not certain you appreciate the gravity of the situation—
TRUMP: Can I press it? Pleeeease?
OPPENHEIMER: (sighs) If we need to use it, then, yes, you can press the button.
TRUMP: (pumps fist) Yes!
May 1944, Military Planning Session
GENERAL EISENHOWER: Next week, when we launch D-Day—
TRUMP: D-Day? What’s that?
EISENHOWER: It is military terminology for “day.” It is a way of describing an important mission that—
TRUMP: So it’s Day-Day? That’s stupid. Let’s call it T-Day. You know what the T stands for?
EISENHOWER: My guess is Tr—
TRUMP: It stands for Trump. You always want to put your name on something. It’s called branding. Unless it’s a loser. You’re not gonna lose, are you?
EISENHOWER: No one can predict a victory or defeat with absolute certainty. We know that we will sustain massive casualties, but we are optimistic that we will ultimately prevail and that our sacrifices will not be in—
TRUMP: So if we win, we call it T-Day, and we say I planned it all myself, all the troops and airplanes and bullets and things. If we lose, it’s D-Day—that’s D for Dwight—and it was all your idea, and I say I only met Dwight Eisenhower maybe a couple of times, I don’t really know him, they told me he was a good general but obviously he wasn’t that good.
August 1945, Fireside Chat
TRUMP: So, just like I said at the start, it all went away by August. Japan surrendered like a dog after we dropped the Manhattan Projects on them. The only bad part was they didn’t let me press the button myself, because it turns out you had to be in the airplane. I said, “Let me do it, I want to fight in the war, I was the best baseball player in military school, you know.” They said, “Sir, we can’t risk your life, you’re too important and brilliant and handsome.” But if I’d been there you know I would’ve pressed the button better than the guys who did it. They wanted to call it V-J Day for some reason, but I’m calling it V-T Day: Very Trump Day. You’re welcome, from your favorite wartime president.
Teddy Wayne is the author of four books, including Apartment