January 22: The Beaufort Gazette calls Feathers “a Cirque du Soleil of pectoral implants and Victoriana.”

January 30: Feathers’ employees try to broaden customer base with the initiative “Masks Can Be Masc.”

February 14: Feathers debuts minty white-wine cocktail, the Timenthée Chardonnet.

February 15: Star-struck patron’s reiteration of Graham’s “Is this Watergate or Peyton Place?” witticism causes Graham to erupt in fit of Aunt Pittypat dithering and high-pitched squealing.

March 1: Graham tells Feathers employees to leave promotional brochures at local antiques parlors and tanning salons in effort “to re-energize our base.”

March 22: Graham debuts new signature look of espadrilles, Chihuahua.

March 30: Graham tells handsome patron about his experience as a JAG lawyer in effort to appear butch.

April 3: Graham tells Feathers’ trans-male bartender that gender-confirmation surgery is “the ultimate in across-the-aisle.”

May 12: Graham opens second establishment, Boots.

June 4: Graham opens third establishment, Feet.

Henry Alford’s most recent book is And Then We Danced