Yesterday we woke to rumors that the Duke and Duchess of Sussex had apparently agreed to let cameras follow them around for three months to give “people a glimpse into their lives and see all the charity work they do”. Headlines naturally said, Harry and Meghan: The Reality Show. And while the term “reality show” has since been denied, no one seems to have quite squashed the idea of a documentary of some sort as part of their $145 million Netflix deal. Which leaves the tantalizing prospect of at least a glimpse inside Casa Sussex. Dull? Possibly, although a leaked script of the first episode suggests otherwise.
Interior. Montecito Mansion – Day
We see an empty room in a beautiful large California house. The doors open as if by magic and in steps MEGHAN MARKLE, gleaming and glowing and accompanied by a child harpist sitting on a silver dessert trolley. Meghan’s hair is blowing sensually, even though there is no apparent breeze.
MEGHAN: Hi, I’m the philanthropist, leading thinker and busy working mom Meghan Markle, and this is …
Before she can finish her introduction, a SCREAMING WILD MAN in Bermuda shorts and a vest rushes into the room wielding a broom like a sword. He charges straight at the camera and starts attacking it in a blaze of fury.
WILD MAN: ARGH! GET OUT, DAMN PAPARAZZI! WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS HOUND US? STOP RUINING OUR LIVES!
Meghan coughs, and the WILD MAN turns around. It is only then that we see it is PRINCE HARRY.
MEGHAN: Harry, babe, put the broom down. That isn’t the paparazzi.
HARRY: Then why are there cameras inside our house? I thought you said we were moving to America to protect our privacy.
Meghan rolls her eyes.
MEGHAN: Sure, Harry.
Exterior. Garden – Day
Meghan and Harry are talking to camera, talking heads-style.
MEGHAN: It has actually been really freeing to be back in California. As much as we loved London, we found that we couldn’t live our best lives there, could we Harry? Harry . . ?
Harry has wandered off. The camera frantically pans around to catch him, and we find him shaking hands with a confused crew member in a weirdly stilted way.
HARRY: And what is it that you do?
MEGHAN: Harry, sweetheart, you don’t have to do that any more. You’re not part of the royal family any more, remember?
Harry returns to his seat next to Meghan.
HARRY: Ah, yes, old habits. Sorry.
MEGHAN: It’s OK. We were being asked about our reasons for moving to America.
HARRY (distracted): So is there a ribbon I need to cut here now, or . . ?
Interior. Study – Day
Harry, Meghan and baby Archie are sitting on chairs in front of a laptop.
MEGHAN: We’ve found that the best way for us to self-actualize as individuals is by discussing the most important issues of the day in an upbeat and inspiring way to various youth groups. Thanks to Covid, we have to do most of it over Zoom.
HARRY: It’s basically after-dinner speaking.
MEGHAN: It isn’t after-dinner speaking, Harry. It’s discussing the most important issues of the day in an upbeat and inspiring way to various youth groups. It’s completely different.
HARRY: Who are you speaking to today?
MEGHAN: I’m the keynote speaker at a virtual conference for young women whose lives have been ravaged by the looming specter of climate change. They’re so meaningful.
HARRY: And what are you telling them?
MEGHAN: I’m going to relate stories of my personal hardships to them. Like, remember that time Kate Middleton wouldn’t take me shopping on Kensington High Street in her Range Rover?
HARRY: I’m not sure that …
MEGHAN: I had to call for a lift in a different Range Rover.
HARRY: Yes, but I don’t think that’s …
MEGHAN (eyes filling with tears): A different Range Rover, Harry!
Exterior. Garden – Day
Meghan and Harry are still talking straight to camera, talking heads-style.
MEGHAN: Now that we’re here, we’re just getting started. Once our charitable foundation is up and running, we’ll be in a position to provide further inspiration to millions of people around the world. Then, obviously, I want to return to acting; maybe starting small in a Star Wars film or a new Marvel movie where I get to play a superhero called Meghan Markle. And after that I think it’s only proper that I follow my true calling and run for president of the United States of America.
HARRY: Actually, I think that question was meant for me.
MEGHAN: You? Really?
Harry and Meghan look at a producer for clarification.
PRODUCER: That question was for Harry, yes.
HARRY: Ah, well, I’m keeping nice and busy too. I’ve got a … what is it again?
MEGHAN: A foundation.
HARRY: That’s right, a foundation. For animals, is it?
MEGHAN: For developing a sustainable future for the travel industry.
HARRY: Ah, yes, I remember now. Like that private jet we took to …
Meghan starts frantically to cough.
Meghan shakes her head as discreetly as possible before changing the subject.
MEGHAN: I was on Suits!
Stuart Heritage is a Kent, U.K.–based Writer at Large for AIR MAIL