Back in 2015, Boris allegedly found the time to pen a film script and then distributed it to a few people, hoping, one assumes, for a commission. The PM is yet to confirm he is the author, but it is written in classic Boris prose and I got to see it this week. “Here is the new blockbuster: Mission to Assyria”, he writes, beginning a hilariously awful pitch for a movie (allegedly, there is a full script to accompany it. Sadly, they didn’t keep a copy).

“It all springs from my rage and disbelief at the destruction of places like Hatra and Nimrud and Nineveh … I cannot abide the apathy of the west,” he writes as way of passionate introduction. Worthy sentiments, written just as Palmyra was about to be pulverised by Islamic State. I just have my doubts that a “glorious wish-fulfillment dream movie, a mixture of Golan-Globus and Raiders of the Lost Ark”, was the right way to enact that revenge. Especially when the lead man is called Marmaduke Montmorency Burton… It is safe to say we will not be seeing this film debut anytime soon at the London Film Festival.

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