The New England Patriots and the Seattle Seahawks will face off next Sunday in Super Bowl LX. But another battle will unfold at halftime as Puerto Rican pop star Bad Bunny vies for the attention of Middle America with Turning Point USA, the late Charlie Kirk’s conservative organization, which claims to be airing its own All-American Halftime Show. Turning Point USA has yet to publicly announce its lineup or location despite the game being just a week away. Fortunately, AIR MAIL has gotten its hands on a provisional run of show.
8:00 p.m.—Bald eagle carries Carrie Underwood into stadium as she sings the national anthem. Fighter jets spell out Trump in red, white, and blue. Pete Hegseth begins doing push-ups onstage.
8:05 P.M.—Bald eagle drops Underwood into back of Chevy Silverado. Sylvester Stallone drives Chevy Silverado through hoop of fire. Hoop of fire extinguished by Kurt Russell dressed as fireman.
8:09 P.M.—Vanilla Ice performs his 1990 hit “Ice, Ice, Baby” in honor of all the hardworking agents of ICE at the stadium deporting Bad Bunny fans. Hegseth switches to squats.
8:11 P.M.—Drone show. “Images of Home” performance features drone-generated portrait of Greenland, along with depictions of Qatar, Russia, and Mar-a-Lago. (Note: include toll-free reservations number.) “Tribute to Fallen” performance includes images of Elon Musk, $TRUMP meme coin, and Big Balls.
8:15 P.M.—Kid Rock, Creed, and Kanye Nicki Minaj perform “I Wish I Was in Dixie.” (Note: Kanye caught woke while apologizing for his anti-Semitic views.) Hegseth shifts to star jumps.
8:22 P.M.—Sponsor ads for National Rifle Association, Cracker Barrel, Tractor Supply, Chick-fil-A, Natural Light beer, and Hims Health Inc. for erectile dysfunction and male-pattern hair loss. (Note: no Bud Light ads unless rebranded as “Bud Alt-Right.”)
8:29 P.M.—Hegseth, Kristi Noem, Kash Patel, Stephen Miller, and J. D. Vance join arms onstage and perform high kicks to Twisted Sister’s “Shoot ’Em Down.” Pepper spray and Trump Bibles fired into crowd. Seattle Seahawks arrested for playing too close to Canada.
Carolina de Armas is an Associate Editor at AIR MAIL