On September 23, former vice president Kamala Harris will release her memoir, 107 Days, her telling of her run for the presidency in 2024. Industry experts are predicting the book will set a record, specifically for going from the New Releases shelf to the 50 Percent Off Clearance table in the shortest amount of time in the history of publishing. Judging by the exclusively obtained excerpts below, they may be right.
The White House Years
“Once the other staffers left the Oval Office, I quickly reached into my purse, pulled out my compact mirror, and placed it under the president’s nose. He was still breathing! Letting out a sigh of relief, I put my hand on his arm and shook it gently. ‘Wake up, Mr. President,’ I said. ‘It’s time to wakey-wakey.’ It was a scene that became all too familiar over our four years in office.”
“In my role as vice president, I was frequently called upon to cast the tie-breaking vote on an important, contentious issue. Usually, it was between my husband and my stylist. He preferred me in black pants suits; she preferred me in pastels.”
“Who left a bag of cocaine in a cubby near an entrance to the West Wing? My guess is it was the same individual who left the crack pipe in the Roosevelt Room and crystal meth in the Lincoln Bedroom. The Secret Service was never able to conclude who the culprit was. Too bad, I had Hunter in the office pool.”
The 2024 Campaign
“I put much time and thought into choosing a running mate. The person I chose had to check many boxes. He had to be smart, energetic, charismatic, inspiring, a good debater, and not Jewish. Turned out, Tim Walz only checked one of those boxes.”
“‘Should I go on the Joe Rogan podcast?’ was a question I wrestled with for weeks during the campaign. My critics said this showed I was afraid, indecisive, wishy-washy. In the end, I made the bold choice to go on the podcast and face Rogan head-on. Unfortunately, by then it was three weeks after the election. Rogan’s booker said he would get back to me, but he never did. Maybe it was Rogan who was afraid of me!”
“Debating Donald Trump was a lot like debating the rear end of an impacted elephant that’s finally experiencing some relief.”
“I was famously asked on The View if I could think of anything I would have done differently than Joe Biden. I said I couldn’t think of anything, and I still can’t. Someone recently asked the same question of President Biden, and he snapped, ‘Yeah, pick a different vice president!’ Joe is such a kidder.”
Post-Campaign
“In the end, I decided not to run for governor of California. Internal polling showed the people of California had decided not to decide favorably should I have decided differently. I respect their decision.”
“I chose the title of this book, 107 Days, even though the publisher’s choice, How to Blow an Election and Deliver the Fate of the Country and Democracy into the Hands of a Narcissistic Idiot in 107 Days, tested very well.”
John Ficarra is a former editor of Mad magazine
