To: All Customs and Border Protection agents and National Guard troops
From: Pam Bondi, United States Attorney General
Re: Weaponized sandwiches, hoagies, wraps, grinders, submarines, baguettes, and torpedoes
As many of you already know, two weeks ago a Customs and Border Protection agent stationed in Washington, D.C., under the orders of our great president, Donald J. Trump, was brutally assaulted when a crazed, left-wing fanatic threw a Subway sandwich at him, striking the agent squarely in the chest.
The assailant, Sean Charles Dunn, was quickly apprehended and charged with felony assault. In what can only be described as an outrageous, deep-state miscarriage of justice, this week a D.C. grand jury refused to indict this vicious assailant.
Let me assure you that the Justice Department will continue to pursue other legal remedies against this individual. In the meantime, we are placing all our forces on heightened alert for copycat assailants as The President continues his plan to put heavily armed federal troops into major cities throughout the country.
Below is a listing of future occupied cities, and the name and description of the weaponized sandwich most likely to be encountered in that city.
Philadelphia, PA
Philly Cheesesteak
A thin-sliced-steak-and-melted-cheese sandwich. Particularly nasty, it is known to have forced the early retirement of thousands of permanently stained police uniforms.
New Orleans, LA
Po’boy
Typically, a French bread roll filled with fried shrimp or other meats, lettuce, tomatoes, and sauce, it can be particularly harmful to a victim with a history of diverticulitis. Suggested emergency treatment in the field: Alsatian Pinot Blanc or an unoaked Chardonnay.
CHICAGO, IL
Italian Beef
Thin slices of beef roasted in their own juices and served on a fresh Italian bread. Rumored to be the sandwich of choice among Mafia hit men. It’s never been tested against a Kevlar vest.
MIAMI, FL
Cuban Sandwich
Made with Cuban bread, roasted pork, ham, Swiss cheese, pickles, and mustard, it first came to American shores in the 1960s, perhaps in response to the C.I.A.’s attempt to kill Fidel Castro with an exploding cigar.
LOS ANGELES, CA
French Dip
Though its reach has expanded nationwide, this woke baguette was first developed in Los Angeles. A favorite among liberal Hollywood elites, it’s never been deployed south of the Mason-Dixon Line.
WILDWOOD, N.J.
Pork Roll, Egg, and Cheese
A simple signature sandwich consisting of pork roll, egg, and cheese. Former New Jersey governor and Trump Hater Chris Christie is rumored to have devoured 20 of these killers over the course of one Memorial Day weekend down the Jersey Shore. He somehow survived.
LOUISVILLE, KY
Hot Brown
An open-faced sandwich of turkey and bacon, covered in a cheesy Mornay sauce and grilled to a bubbling, golden-brown perfection. This decadent cop-killer has clotted the arteries of numerous patriotic Americans in and out of uniform.
PHOENIX, AZ
Navajo Taco
An open-faced sandwich made with fried bread and piled with meat, cheese, and other fillings. Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has likened this deadly sandwich to the equivalent of receiving six coronavirus vaccinations.
In the coming days, Homeland Security will be supplying all of our stationed troops with Handi Wipes, Tide stain sticks, and bottles of Pepto-Bismol. In the meantime, we urge you to be extra-vigilant and cautious for brown bags, knapsacks, and lunch pails, which might contain these weaponized Dagwoods.
John Ficarra is a former editor of Mad magazine
