Were you, dear reader, under the impression that this was a world that — not to put too fine a point on it — already had quite a lot of Taylor Swift in it? The record-breaking $2 billion Eras Tour; the miniature earthquakes set off by dancing fans; economic boosts across the globe put down to ”Swiftonomics”?
And that’s before we address the fact that almost any young woman you know could give a spontaneous three-hour PowerPoint presentation on, say, “Taylor Swift: her boyfriends, cats and friendship bracelets”, whether you like it or not.
Well, prepare to redefine “a lot”. On Tuesday the news broke that Swift, 35, the woman who has turned chronicling her love life into the most successful musical career of the century, had become engaged to the American football player Travis Kelce, 35 — and I think it’s fair to say that, in that moment, we all knew that the Swiftmania that has come before will be but a mere bagatelle compared with what’s coming down the pipes.
“This wedding is going to be, like, her Super Bowl,” one poster on Bluesky commented — accurately, I think. All the augurs are there.
For starters, close-up photos introduced us to what is already the world’s most famous engagement ring — a “brilliant-cut old mine diamond with softly rounded corners, bezel-set in yellow gold”.
The ring is apparently worth $1 million — and, as you would expect for that level of folding cash, it’s simply humongous. It’s of a size where it stops looking like a diamond and simply resembles a Fox’s Glacier Mint stuck to a pipe cleaner.
Personally, I cannot imagine what it’s like to have a finger worth $1 million. Stressful … also heavy? Given the extra weight it’s now carrying, within a year Swift’s ring finger will have a genuine six-pack. She’ll have a thumb, three delicate lady fingers and then a Schwarzenegger of a digit, topped with a $1 million ice cube. It will make the future purchasing of gloves very difficult.
And what happens in the event of her applying “too much” hand cream and it simply … slipping off? I’m reminded of how Elizabeth Taylor was so careless with her multiple jewels that, on one occasion, her dog ate a world-famous 16th-century pearl. Richard Burton had to follow the mutt around for the next 24 hours waiting for the pearl to, well, reappear. Good luck, Travis Kelce! This is your future now! Watching your wife’s dog’s bum in case it plops out a gem!
Although the news is, ostensibly, “Taylor and Kelce got engaged”, in reality the actual news is simply “Taylor got engaged”. Because when it comes to engagements and weddings, no one really cares about the male half. He’s simply not the important bit. At some point in the future the internet will explode with pictures of Taylor Swift’s wedding dress — millions of other brides, for decades to come, will reference “Taylor’s dress” when in a bridal boutique.
Meanwhile, no one will ever remember what Travis Kelce wore, even though he will be standing beside her in every picture. Unless the dude turns up in beach shorts and a vest, or an inflatable dinosaur costume, it will never, ever be referenced. Indeed, on the big day itself — as with all weddings — Kelce could simply be replaced with a balloon on a stick and it would take people several hours to notice.
Kelce is about to discover — like all grooms before him — that when it comes to engagements and weddings, the billing is essentially “HERE COMES THE BRIDE! (plus someone in trousers, who seems to be hanging around her a lot).”
Maybe the fact that Swift is so much more famous has already prepared him for this pecking order. Hopefully having the physique of a Greek god and being worth $90 million will be of some comfort. He seems like an amiable fellow. As someone once said, “The appeal of Travis Kelce is that he’s essentially like a labrador that’s learned how to text — and that’s every woman’s dream.”
In short, congratulations! I wish the happy couple well! And maybe gaffer tape that ring on, just to be sure!
Caitlin Moran is a journalist and the author of More than a Woman, How to Build a Girl, and Moranthology
