“I want to just thank everybody, in particular God. I want to just say we love you, God.”
—Donald Trump
June 21, 2025, in his speech from the White House after the American attack on Iran’s nuclear facilities
EXT. HEAVEN — MAGIC HOUR
God, watching the news on His throne, receives a phone call.
GOD: I’m watching right now.
The Holy Spirit, on His phone, strides vigorously through a hallway of clouds.
HOLY SPIRIT: This is crazy. You’re blowing up on X.
GOD: X?
HOLY SPIRIT: Twitter, whatever.
GOD: Right. Are we fucked?
HOLY SPIRIT: I’m not gonna sugarcoat it. It’s bad.
GOD: Like … Crusades bad?
HOLY SPIRIT: Too early to say. But You don’t want this guy’s stink on you.
GOD: Confab in 10 with the archangels.
EXT. HEAVEN BUSINESS CENTER — DAY
God, the Holy Spirit, and the archangels float around a conference table–like cloud.
HOLY SPIRIT: P.R.’s tracking fallout. Comms is fine-tuning the language for a post on socials for our surrogates. Gabriel, what’s the data on the ground?
GABRIEL: Our snap polling shows 58 percent of people are blaming God.
GOD: (scoffs) Polling.
GABRIEL: We’ve corrected the sampling irregularities.
MICHAEL: Mostly overweighting the nonbelievers.
GOD: So, my hands are tied here, yes?
HOLY SPIRIT: Correct. It’s still classified as a clockwork universe.
MICHAEL: But … He’s almighty, right? That’s, like, literally one of His names—God Almighty. This guy might ruin billions of years of work. Can’t He step in just this once to save His reputation?
HOLY SPIRIT: What do You think?
GOD: (strokes beard) I don’t know.
MICHAEL: You’re omniscient! You should know!
HOLY SPIRIT: Easy, big guy. We’re all upset here.
GABRIEL: What if we put out a sign? Something that’s technically allowed but still signals His disapproval?
HOLY SPIRIT: Like a flood?
GOD: Not a flood. Remember what he did last time?
GABRIEL: The paper towels.
HOLY SPIRIT: Then what? Locusts?
MICHAEL: Guys, think about it: if there’s a natural disaster, he’ll just visit the forsaken place and invoke God’s name, like, eight more times.
GABRIEL: Have we touched base yet with the Pope’s team?
HOLY SPIRIT: It’s four a.m. Vatican time.
Jesus appears, barefoot and strumming a Pete Seeger song on an acoustic guitar.
JESUS: Greetings, friends. Father.
An uncomfortable silence around the cloud.
GOD: Jesus. Good to see You.
JESUS: Am I interrupting an important meeting?
HOLY SPIRIT: Um … No, just housekeeping. Boring stuff.
JESUS: Can I be of any assistance?
HOLY SPIRIT: I think we’ve got it covered, but thanks.
JESUS: Terrific. Hope to see you all later at the hacky-sack tournament. Everyone who participates wins.
Jesus leaves.
HOLY SPIRIT: (singsong) Awk-ward.
MICHAEL: Why didn’t you tell Him what was going on?
GOD: Look … I love my Son, but He’s got zero political instincts.
HOLY SPIRIT: He’d just recommend You turn the other cheek.
GOD: Exactly. And this is the time for counterpunching. (Nods gravely) I think I know who we have to talk to.
INT. NEVER-ENDING WAITING ROOM — ETERNITY
God and the Holy Spirit wait in a room with flames all around. God flaps his robes in vain to cool down.
RECEPTIONIST: Can I get either of you some lukewarm coffee?
HOLY SPIRIT: No, thank you.
RECEPTIONIST: Feel free to read our issues of People magazine from six years ago.
Satan opens the door to his office.
SATAN: My apologies for the delay, gentlemen. But not really. Come in.
God and the Holy Spirit raise their eyebrows at each other, like: “Are we really doing this?”
INT. SATAN’S OFFICE — DARKNESS
God and the Holy Spirit are sitting in very uncomfortable chairs.
GOD: We were hoping you could talk to him. You’re the only one he listens to.
SATAN: Not lately. The deal he and I made years ago—I still don’t exactly understand how, but his lawyers basically figured out a way to fuck me.
HOLY SPIRIT: But he’s still doing your bidding, right?
SATAN: (shrugs while seesawing hands) Hard to say if it’s mine or his at this point. I mean, I want to take credit, but, honestly, he’s pulling off things even I couldn’t come close to in my prime. I’m kind of worried he’s making me obsolete.
GOD: It sounds like we’re in the same boat, then. Your demons can’t do anything?
SATAN: They fucking worship the guy. Never paid attention to the news before. Now they’re, like, super-engaged.
HOLY SPIRIT: Don’t you have a direct line to Vance?
SATAN: I’ve already called in too many favors to J.D. …This isn’t what You want to hear, but my advice is just wait it out and hope for the best.
GOD: Are you kidding? Three and a half more years of this?
SATAN: You’re lucky. At some point I’m gonna be stuck with him for eternity.
Teddy Wayne is the author of several novels, including The Winner
