Larry David has built a career on his anxieties and obsessions with banal minutiae, and he always has the last laugh. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree when it comes to his eldest daughter, Cazzie. The author (of the essay collection No One Asked for This), filmmaker (her debut feature, I Love You Forever, is available for streaming), and AIR MAIL columnist is just as hilariously self-deprecating as her father, and her upcoming book, Delusions: Of Grandeur, of Romance, of Progress, promises to deliver more in that vein. Set to publish next year, the essay collection, spanning Cazzie’s 29th year, reflects on the delusions that, in her words, “laid waste to her 20s,” and reckons with their consequences now that “the specter of a new decade is looming.” Ahead of its release, Cazzie shares her key components to the good life. —Carolina de Armas
Airport: La Guardia, post-renovation.
Alibi: One that checks out?
App: Notes app. Which is basically the garbage dump of my mind but also the only app that doesn’t ruin my life?
Bag: One I steal from my mom.
Bedtime: Anytime before midnight; 11:59 p.m. is perfect.
Bike: I feel strongly that it shouldn’t be frowned upon to use a bike with training wheels. Bikes should have four wheels. Two wheels doesn’t make sense. Scientists can’t even explain how it works! Why do people give a shit if there are two little wheels in the back?! So what!! Normalize training wheels.
Birthday: Nobody cares. (Read my book for more on this.)
Breakfast: Yogurt with strawberries. Three caffeinated beverages.
Cocktail: Dirty martini, extra olives.
Cocktail appetizer: Olives!
Couple: Amal Clooney … and George …
Diet: Living in constant fear of food poisoning.
Dress: One that could be worn in a Jane Austen film adaptation.
Enemy: Someone you’re not jealous of. But then, maybe if you’re not jealous, they can’t be your enemy … so in that case, someone who makes you just jealous enough to do something about it (like be more productive), but not enough to debilitate you.
Escape: Locking yourself in your bathroom.
Excuse: “My S.S.R.I.’s aren’t working.”
Fit: Wearing the same thing over and over again until I can think of a new outfit.
Flaw: Imagine one that just complements your beauty? Must be nice!!
Foil: My sister.
Friend: Someone I didn’t choose to be friends with at a mere 10 years of age—as if I had the capacity then to select other children who would possess the qualities my adult self wants in friends: kindness, loyalty, levelheadedness, low maintenance, rather than who had the cutest outfits and got attention for being sassy.
Good-bye: Irish.
Hideaway: My house.
Indulgence: Micro-needling.
Insult: One that isn’t a projection. Or mock violin. Or “moron.”
Jacket: A large soft-leather bomber.
Last Meal: Sourdough grilled cheese, and then they kill me immediately after before I have a celiac attack.
Movie: Young Adult.
Neighbor: My dream is to live on a commune with all of my comfort people.
Nonfiction book: Nora Ephron’s essay collections.
Novel: The Count of Monte Cristo, by Alexandre Dumas.
Pair of pants: Paloma Wool.
Pair of shoes: The Row ballet flats that I accidentally left in a man’s car and am too cowardly to ask for them back because I don’t want him to think I left them on purpose or am using the shoes as an excuse to text him. (If you’re reading this, I really need them back!)
Pen or Pencil: A Montblanc pen my dad gave me for my 30th birthday.
PET: My cat, my cat, my cat, my cat, my cat. My cat is so perfect it hurts.
PIECE OF ADVICE: “Don’t listen to anyone’s advice.”
PODCAST: Berlant & Novak.
Restaurant: Anajak Thai, in Los Angeles.
Ride: A friend who picks you up and drops you off despite you being out of the way. I hate taking two cars.
Saying: “Better safe than sorry”?
Singer: Addison Rae.
Storm: One that works to my advantage?
STREET: 90272, forever.
Television series: Girls.
Theme song to your life: “Help!,” by the Beatles.
Time of day: 5:55 P.M. (also happens to be the time I was born).
Vacation: One where you don’t travel.
Victim: Me.
View: Trees.
Wake-up time: 8:00 A.M. (Really, 8:30 A.M.)
Work of Art: Sweet Rose’s mint chocolate-chip ice cream.
Cazzie’s Essentials
