When, in 2001: A Space Odyssey, Stanley Kubrick showed the oscillating chimp bone metamorphose into the starship Discovery One, it showed in one dazzling shot the entire million-year progress of humanity, from “promising mammal” to “intergalactic, borderline godlike being”.
But while one doesn’t want to take anything away from one of the most awe-inspiring moments in movie history, there is one way Kubrick could have pushed it. For, surely, the true pinnacle achievement of our species is to have progressed from bone-wielding ape to creatures who built spaceships and thence to spaceships with celebrities in them.
And so to Katy Perry, who, this week, became the first female multi-hyphenate in space. Blue Origin’s much-vaunted “all-female crew” was not the first all-female crew in space—the Soviet Union managed that, in 1963—but foolishly they didn’t include anyone who had their own fragrance or shoe range, so I guess that’s why the Soviet Union eventually collapsed.
Perry was joined by the U.S. TV presenter Gayle King, the film producer Kerianne Flynn, and a couple of women who had actual scientific qualifications but who have never attended Elton John’s Oscar party, and so were disgracefully minimized in all news coverage of the event—including here, now, by me.
The guest list for the space flight was compiled by the final crew member, Lauren Sánchez—fiancée of the Blue Origin owner, Jeff Bezos —and was apparently conceived “to highlight women who are making a difference in the world, and who are impactful, and have a message to send”.
I’m naturally in favor of high-profile events wherein we send female celebrities into space. It’s a far more cheerful headline than almost anything else happening right now. Plus, until governments get serious about Amazon actually paying its taxes, Bezos is totally free to spend $2.5 billion on a rocket for his wife-to-be and her famous mates any time he likes.
However, having watched all six women being interviewed, live, once their capsule returned to Earth, the problems with Sánchez’s guest list became very apparent. How to put this? They were all … very American. Each came across like the kind of person who says “namaste”, very emotionally, on being handed their order in Starbucks.
“I’m so proud of me!” both King and Perry sobbed.
“How would you describe the experience?”
“Ten out of ten,” King replied, with all the eloquence of a calculator.
“I didn’t realize how much love there was inside me, or for me,” Perry continued, mortifyingly.
I longed for anyone to say anything genuinely moving or profound. After all, what is the point of taking artists and communicators into space if not in the hope that they will be able to bring back a taste of the terrifying, infinite black wastes, or a visceral, heartache homesickness for Earth? Neil Armstrong had never hosted CBS Mornings or put on a Super Bowl half-time show and he managed: “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” That is a hell of a line.
By way of contrast, once she’d finished inexplicably insisting on how proud she was of herself, Perry coyly revealed that, while up in space, she had revealed to the onboard cameras “the set list for my new tour! So I guess that’s a first!”
While others might hope to slip the surly bonds of Earth and touch the face of God, Perry had slipped in a quick TikTokable clip and touched on a key marketing angle. After all, should you ever get the vanishingly rare privilege to look down upon the good, good Earth and see our tiny, blue-green harbor, you want to know those antlike f***ers below have complied with the messaging and clicked on your website.
In 40 years space communication has gone from “Houston, we have a problem” to “Houston Toyota Centre on May 7 we have no problems— there are still Perry KLUB 143 VIP Exclusive Experience tickets available from $750, plus fees and taxes!”
However, Perry’s tone deafness has not gone unnoticed. The online backlash has been both notable and brutal. “This was just The White Lotus, in space,” was the most succinct. Who knew this would be a sentence that would ever have been possible? But from a PR point of view this was the wrong time for Perry to go into space. Still, namaste. Namaste.
Caitlin Moran is a journalist and the author of More than a Woman, How to Build a Girl, and Moranthology
