It might feel as if the wider world is circling the drain, but here in Attention-Whore Index Land, all is as it should be. Donald Trump won handily (47 percent) for the fourth time in five weeks, reaffirming at least for the moment that Elon Musk is his sidekick, rather than the other way around. Trump’s nonstop offensiveness might in itself have been enough to secure first place, but he iced the victory with his Oval Office sandbagging of Volodymyr Zelensky. (“This is going to be great television”—spoken like a true Attention Whore.) Future historians will have to determine whether the United States handed Vladimir Putin not only Ukraine but much more, just because the reliably ill-dressed Trump didn’t like what Zelensky wore to their meeting.
The tiresome, overconfident Musk finished second (29.3 percent), while an endless, if barely audible, drumbeat for Meghan Markle’s new lifestyle series was enough to earn the duchess third place (12.7 percent).
Somehow, we’ve survived to goggle at another slate of candidates. But first:
“It has been stated by many that the first month of our presidency … is the most successful in the history of our nation … And what makes it even more impressive is that do you know who No. 2 is? George Washington.”
—Donald Trump
The nominees in this week’s edition of the Attention-Whore Index Poll are …
1.
VLADIMIR PUTIN
Didn’t even need a spotlight to get attention. Despite not being physically present in the Oval Office for the Trump-Vance-Zelensky meeting (although, tellingly, a Russian-state-media reporter was, while the Associated Press and Reuters were banned), Putin was nevertheless able to accomplish a soft annexation of the United States.
2.
ROBERT F. KENNEDY JR.
Already hitting his stride. Put the availability of flu shots at risk when he canceled meetings crucial to developing the next version of the vaccine in time. His chief spokesperson resigned. Reacted with a philosophical shrug to the death from measles of an unvaccinated child—the first such U.S. fatality in 10 years—and an alarming spike in the disease. “We have measles outbreaks every year,” Kennedy said, so this was “not unusual”—an opinion immediately contradicted by actual, knowledgeable physicians. Reversed course, sort of, urging parents to “consult with their healthcare providers,” while simultaneously touting vitamin A, which can be beneficial, though not as a substitute for the vaccine—“dangerous and ineffective … puts children at serious risk,” said the president of the American Academy of Pediatrics. Oh boy.
3.
MARCO RUBIO
Once a supporter of Ukraine, our spine-free secretary of state defended Trump and Vance’s ambush of Zelensky, turning the encounter inside out (“Then he confronts the vice president!”) and triggering buyer’s remorse among some senators who had helped confirm him. (John Bolton, Trump’s former national-security adviser, called on Rubio to resign.) In return for his loyalty, was singled out for humiliation during his boss’s speech before Congress in the event the retaking of the Panama Canal doesn’t go Trump’s way. “Good luck, Marco,” the president said. “Now we know who to blame if anything goes wrong.”
4.
ANDREW CUOMO
New York’s off-putting, problematic former governor (experienced politician; accused sexual harasser; depending on your point of view, either “an asshole” or “our asshole”) announced his candidacy to succeed off-putting, problematic current mayor Eric Adams.
5.
DONALD TRUMP
Was deftly if predictably flattered by British prime minister Keir Starmer, who came to Washington armed with a formal invitation for Trump from King Charles. Trump held it up for the cameras. “A beautiful man, a wonderful man,” a man possessed of “a beautiful signature,” he murmured. “I’ve gotten to know him very well, actually.” Generally remained in full Putin-puppet mode, which Russia all but confirmed. “The new administration is rapidly changing all foreign policy configurations,” said a Kremlin spokesperson. “This largely aligns with our vision.” With the stock market tanking, a trade war with our allies in full swing, Ukraine aid on hold, and a government shutdown looming, what better time to boast about his accomplishments in a preening, policy-free, Biden-obsessed, 100-minute speech before Congress? “This is just the beginning,” Trump threatened.
6.
ELON MUSK
Piled on Zelensky, accusing him of “want[ing] a forever war.... This is evil.” Called Social Security, which its former head says is at risk of collapsing because of DOGE’s cutbacks, “the biggest Ponzi scheme of all time.” Supported the U.S. leaving NATO and the U.N. Continued e-mailing government workers, demanding that every Monday morning they account for themselves by submitting bullet-point tallies of their previous week’s accomplishments. (He might e-mail himself and make the same request regarding his stewardship of Tesla, whose sales are tanking, reportedly because of his politics—down 45 percent in Europe in January, for example.) Meanwhile, The New York Times revealed that Musk’s DOGE crew had deleted from its Web site false claims of “$4 billion in additional savings that the group said it had made for U.S. taxpayers … representing more than 40 percent of all the contracts listed on its site.”
7.
J. D. VANCE
Managed, in the Zelensky meeting, to come off at least as repellent as Trump—no mean feat—and his smarmy performance added fuel to an already scheduled protest involving thousands in Vermont, where Vance traveled with his family to unwind from betraying Ukraine and do a little skiing. Denied that his snide subsequent observation that a U.S. economic deal with Ukraine would be a “better security guarantee than 20,000 troops from some random country that hasn’t fought a war in 30 or 40 years” was a reference to England and France—even though they are the only countries that fit the description and he couldn’t name any other nations he supposedly meant. Outrage, even from Britain’s extreme right wing. “J.D. Vance is wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong,” said Nigel Farage, a Trump ally. VANCE SHAME went a headline in one Murdoch newspaper. Etc.
8.
MEGHAN MARKLE
With Love, Meghan finally dropped, all eight episodes. To binge or not to binge? “The show plays out like a forced march, one in which Meghan’s guests must, as the price of getting to share an afternoon in a made-for-TV kitchen with her, praise her first,” wrote Daniel D’Addario in Variety. O.K., well, what about the British press? “If you thought With Love, Meghan … would be a smug, syrupy endurance watch, and that you would rather fry your eyeballs than sit through it, I have news for you. It is so much worse than that,” wrote Carol Midgley in The Times of London. “Here is a duchess presenting her extreme wealth and mind-bogglingly exclusive lifestyle as if it is available to anyone who cares enough to pop a twee personal label on a homemade beeswax candle or lay a sprig of fresh lavender on a towel … ‘Love is in the detail!’ Meghan squawks, explaining how she likes to feel like a ‘present parent’ by, for instance, arranging her children’s fruit in a perfect rainbow each morning, advice that I sincerely hope every single knackered parent catching the bus to work at 6am in the rain will heed.” Not to binge! —George Kalogerakis
George Kalogerakis, a Writer at Large at AIR MAIL, worked at Spy, Vanity Fair, and The New York Times, where he was deputy op-ed editor. He is a co-author of Spy: The Funny Years and a co-editor of Disunion: A History of the Civil War
