Enjoying America’s golden age so far? Just checking. Because not everyone is. The annual World Happiness Report placed the United States 24th among nations, its lowest ranking yet. Finland was first. So was Donald Trump, here in the Attention-Whore Index—for once he could claim an actual landslide, having received 58.1 percent of your vote. The ubiquitous Sussexes, who have come on strong of late, came in second (17.5 percent), and Elon Musk, compared to whom Meghan and Harry seem like hermits, finished third (15.2 percent).
No doubt there are good times just around the corner, but first:
“The only glitch in two months, and it turned out not to be a serious one.”
—Donald Trump on the SignalGate Scandal
The nominees in this week’s edition of the Attention-Whore Index Poll are …
1.
PETE HEGSETH AND MIKE WALTZ
The defense secretary texted war plans to the editor of The Atlantic, Jeffrey Goldberg, who’d been included with Vice President J. D. Vance, Secretary of State Marco Rubio, Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard, and other high-level officials on a group text by National-Security Adviser Mike Waltz. Whoops! Waltz took “full responsibility” for the fiasco but couldn’t explain why he had Goldberg’s phone number, describing the journalist as a “loser” and “scum”—presumably because, unlike certain people, Goldberg had handled the classified information with caution and care. Hegseth’s ludicrous denial (“Nobody was texting war plans”) belied his detailed text—minute-by-minute timing, targets, and weapons, putting American soldiers’ lives at risk; e.g., “THIS IS WHEN THE FIRST BOMBS WILL DEFINITELY DROP”—and he was reduced to calling Goldberg “deceitful and highly discredited … a guy who peddles in garbage.” Trump’s initial response (“I’m not a big fan of The Atlantic. To me, it’s a magazine that’s going out of business”) gave way to denial (“This was not classified”), public support for Waltz (he’d “learned a lesson”), and blame where it belongs: with underlings (“It was one of Michael’s people on the phone. A staffer had his number on there”). The buck stops … way the hell over there somewhere, as always in Trump World.
2.
DONALD TRUMP
Meanwhile, how do you improve on a week that saw you win the Trump International Golf Club Championship for the second straight year? Well, you might revoke security clearances for people you don’t like—Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, Hillary Clinton, Antony Blinken, Liz Cheney, and so on. Maybe rant a bit about “the Failing New York Times.” (“There’s something really wrong with these people, and their SICK, TRUMP DERANGED EDITORS.”) Or complain that your new portrait hanging in Colorado’s state capitol is “purposefully distorted,” even though the same artist “also did President Obama, and he looks wonderful”—which might sound like vanity, except “many people” have “called and written to complain,” so all you’re doing, really, is “speaking on their behalf to the Radical Left Governor … who is extremely weak on Crime.” On the brighter side: Republicans in Congress have introduced bills to make your birthday a national holiday, rename Washington’s Dulles International Airport for you, add your visage to Mount Rushmore, put your face on a new $250 bill, and replace Benjamin Franklin on the $100 bill. Who cares about some dumb portrait in Denver?
3.
GÉRARD DEPARDIEU
The prolific (240-plus films) actor finally went on trial in Paris. Depardieu is accused of using “violence, coercion, surprise, or threat” in sexually assaulting two women on a movie set in 2021. Pending is a separate rape-and-assault case, those charges dating to 2018. Depardieu has long denied any and all accusations, and initially, briefly, even appeared to have the hastily walked-back support of President Emmanuel Macron. The judge’s verdict is due in May.
4.
RECEP TAYYIP ERDOĞAN
Turkey’s autocratic president jailed his main political opponent, Ekrem Imamoğlu, the mayor of Istanbul, and charged him with “corruption.” (Imamoğlu is “a highly popular secularist widely seen as the most likely next president to succeed the Islamist Erdoğan,” said Politico.) Thinking ahead, Erdoğan also banned demonstrations, although hundreds of thousands of Turkish citizens still took to the streets in defiance. He must be looking at what’s happening in the United States and feeling a little, you know, competitive.
5.
ELON MUSK
The scourge of government spending stands to receive billions in federal SpaceX contracts—lucky for him, as Tesla stock continues to drop, trade-ins of its cars are rising, and Attorney General Pam Bondi felt the need to characterize vandalism of the Tesla brand as “domestic terrorism.” Took in some N.C.A.A. wrestling with his co-president, Donald Trump, in Philadelphia, where much of the crowd greeted him with hostility. Attended his third Cabinet meeting (level of crowd hostility there unknown).
6.
The VANCEs
Dispatched to Greenland, along with text-happy Mike Waltz. The Second Lady described the visit as “cultural,” the vice president as “just [to] check out what’s going on with the security there,” and the country’s prime minister as “highly aggressive”—that might have had something to do with Trump’s frequent talk about seizing control of the country “one way or the other.” In any event, so warmly were they embraced that a planned three-day trip was reduced to one.
7.
PAUL, WEISS, RIFKIND, WHARTON & GARRISON
Was the powerful law firm’s decision to make a deal with the Trump White House (a) a pragmatic act of self-preservation or (b) a spineless, nauseating, depressing capitulation that brings shame to the entire legal profession? Well, why can’t it be (c) both? Given a second cave-in, by Skadden, Arps, Slate, Meagher & Flom, this one might deserve a poll of its own.
8.
JEFF BEZOS AND LAUREN SANCHEZ
The low-profile, interminably affianced twosome have finally sent out wedding invitations, and it can now be reported that the happy event will take place in Venice this summer. The couple’s wedding registry is not, alas, on Amazon. —George Kalogerakis
George Kalogerakis, a Writer at Large at AIR MAIL, worked at Spy, Vanity Fair, and The New York Times, where he was deputy op-ed editor. He is a co-author of Spy: The Funny Years and a co-editor of Disunion: A History of the Civil War
