It was hardly a Revelation, in our book, when A.W.I.’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse galloped off well ahead of the pack last week. Actually, Three Horsemen and One Horse-duchess: Donald Trump won (35.2 percent), followed by Meghan Markle (22.5 percent), J. D. Vance (20.2 percent), and Elon Musk (11.3 percent). Will the members of that unappetizing quartet turn out to be harbingers of Conquest, War, Famine, and Death? We hope not. The concepts they currently embody—respectively: Stupidity, Cluelessness, Self-Regard, and Wildly Misplaced Overconfidence—are bad enough.
On to our new poll, but first:
“Nobody has been tougher on Russia than Donald Trump. Nobody.”
—Donald Trump
The nominees in this week’s edition of the Attention-Whore Index Poll are …
1.
DONALD TRUMP
Let’s see: government shutdown threatened, recession on the horizon, consumer confidence down, inflation up, business leaders in revolt, stock-market indexes in a race to the bottom alongside his approval rating, compulsive flip-flopping—on Ukraine, Putin, Zelensky, tariffs, Gaza, Greenland, Mexico, Canada, deportation methods, government workers’ employment status, you name it. In short, virtually no successes since he took office. (Though his anti-D.E.I. obsession did get photos of the aircraft that dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima, the Enola Gay, scrubbed from the Pentagon’s Web sites, along with anyone or anything else with the offending name “Gay.”) Yes, it’s all coming back to us now: Trump doesn’t have any idea what the hell he’s doing. Unless he’s crazy like a fox. (Maybe—minus the fox part.) Adding insult to all those self-inflicted injuries, the president, according to the Daily Mail, is sulking, said by his allies to be feeling “less special” about that “beautiful” invitation from King Charles now that the monarch has received Volodymyr Zelensky—a man who, after all, does not “have the cards.”
2.
SAM BANKMAN-FRIED
The crypto-criminal billionaire turned inmate gave a prison interview to Tucker Carlson in which he talked about life behind bars (“a soul-crushing place”) and in particular his friendship with fellow Brooklyn Metropolitan Detention Center resident Sean “Diddy” Combs (“He’s been kind to me”). Meanwhile, Bankman-Fried is angling for a pardon from Trump, according to The New York Times, the effort “driven by a small group” of his supporters that includes his parents, “who are trying to help their son escape the 25-year prison sentence he received after he was convicted of fraud, conspiracy and money laundering.”
3.
ELON MUSK
Shared a post that said, “Hitler didn’t murder millions of people. Public sector employees did.” Witnessed another of his SpaceX Starships explode during a test flight. Has seen more than a dozen Tesla facilities around the world attacked by protesters with spray paint, fires, Molotov cocktails, and semi-automatic weapons, according to The Washington Post. Watched the value of Tesla’s stock drop by 40 percent in six weeks. (Although it might be going up: Donald Trump, in car-salesman mode, sat in a Tesla outside the White House—“You think Biden could get into that car?”—and said he’d be buying one.) Called the senator/combat veteran/astronaut Mark Kelly “a traitor” for supporting Ukraine. Lit into Marco Rubio at a Cabinet meeting, The New York Times reported, accusing the secretary of state of having fired “nobody” and of being nothing more than “good on TV.” (Though the two later joined forces to belittle the Polish foreign minister during a petty dispute over Musk’s Starlink satellite system, which Poland funds for Ukraine: Rubio ordered the minister to “say thank you,” and Musk advised, “Be quiet, small man.”) Continued to be Steve Bannon’s personal punching bag—though it sure sounds as if a long line is forming behind Bannon.
4.
ROBERT F. KENNEDY JR.
A second measles outbreak among the unvaccinated, this one in New Mexico—bringing the total number of U.S. cases to nearly 200, with two deaths—has left the vaccine-skeptic head of Health and Human Services “deeply concerned.” Also deeply concerned are doctors, scientists, and health officials, who believe that Kennedy’s message in the midst of this crisis—that measles vaccinations are “a personal choice” and people should instead consider vitamin A and cod-liver-oil supplements—is precisely the wrong one.
5.
JEFF BEZOS
Took time off from dismantling The Washington Post to eject Barbara Broccoli from the James Bond franchise (“I don’t care what it costs”), according to The Hollywood Reporter; dropped to third place on the world’s-richest-persons list, behind an increasingly wobbly Musk and a resurgent Mark Zuckerberg; and finally set a wedding date—or, at any rate, a wedding season, summer 2025—with Lauren Sánchez.
6.
THE WESTS
Ye tried his best to stay in the news by posting, “This next album got that antisemitic sound. My new sound called antisemitic,” which didn’t yield much in terms of the desired outrage, but then he posted a photo of a Ku Klux Klan hood and robe with the caption “Outfit of the day,” which did. Meanwhile, his wife, Bianca Censori, proved the more efficient A.W.I. competitor by simply rollerblading in the nude—O.K., in sheer underwear. Plus, sensibly, knee- and elbow pads.
7.
THE MARKLES
Yet another attention-starved family. Not long after the professional critics had sliced and diced With Love, Meghan, the duchess’s estranged, similarly publicity-shy relatives needed to as well. “This is probably the first time I felt sorry and embarrassed for her,” Thomas Markle Jr., her brother, told the Daily Mail. Paterfamilias Thomas Markle said, “You have to be authentic to hold people’s attention. Unfortunately, Meghan has never been authentic.… Everything she says is pre-planned and rehearsed.” Worse, said Markle Sr., she doesn’t know how to cook pasta: “Who makes spaghetti that way? You always boil the water, then add the spaghetti. It’s the most basic thing.” (The duchess daringly prefers to pour boiling water on top of the spaghetti.) —George Kalogerakis
George Kalogerakis, a Writer at Large at AIR MAIL, worked at Spy, Vanity Fair, and The New York Times, where he was deputy op-ed editor. He is a co-author of Spy: The Funny Years and a co-editor of Disunion: A History of the Civil War
