He’s back—in the White House, in our nightmares, at the bottom of the barrel, and at the top of the A.W.I. heap. Donald Trump’s biggest, maybe only success last week was winning this poll, with 44.5 percent. Robert F. Kennedy Jr., cutting an even more disturbing figure than usual in the glare of the congressional spotlight, was far behind (21.4 percent). Third place went to the new U.S. government personified, Elon Musk (13.7 percent). And a tip of the hat to Dr. Phil for creative grandstanding before the cameras during an ICE raid (fourth place, with 8.8 percent).
Just ahead, this week’s competitors. But first:
“WE ARE A COUNTRY THAT IS NOW BEING RUN WITH COMMON SENSE — AND THE RESULTS WILL BE SPECTACULAR!!!”
—Donald Trump
The nominees in this week’s edition of the Attention-Whore Index Poll are …
1.
RUSSELL BRAND
An internal BBC investigation into “allegations of inappropriate conduct” against the actor found that “Brand ‘tucked his fingers down’ a co-worker’s ‘trousers and underwear’; that he followed a woman who was not a BBC employee into a bathroom and showed her his penis; and that he had sex with someone who was visiting the BBC after winning a radio contest,” said The New York Times. Meanwhile, Brand has moved with his family to Florida, the U.S.’s miscreant-holding pen, from Oxfordshire, “claiming he is being ‘attacked’ and ‘shut down’ by the British authorities,” The Sunday Times reported. “The development could result in potentially lengthy extradition proceedings if British prosecutors decide to charge Brand, 49, with sex crimes.” Well, Oxfordshire’s loss is Florida’s gain, or possibly the other way around.
2.
BIANCA CENSORI
Wore pretty much nothing to the Grammys—a see-through mesh dress with no underwear. On the red carpet, Censori’s fully clothed husband, Kanye West, privately gave her instructions on when to shed the coat she arrived in and what to do for the cameras: “I’ll tell ’em you’re on fire tonight, babe … Drop it behind you and then turn … You’re making a scene now.” West handled the backlash in his inimitable manner, posting, “I HAVE DOMINION OVER MY WIFE THIS AINT NO WOKE AS FEMINIST S**T SHES WITH A BILLIONAIRE WHY WOULD SHE LISTEN TO ANY OF YOU DUMB A** BROKE B*****S.”
3.
DONALD TRUMP
Kept on making America great again. Effectively shut down programs delivering medical supplies and fighting diseases in impoverished countries, and announced (through Musk) that he would eliminate the humanitarian U.S. Agency for International Development. Ordered billions of gallons of reservoir water to be funneled to Southern California, which officials deemed a waste—it was released into rivers that don’t flow into Los Angeles. Told 1,100 Environmental Protection Agency workers they might be fired. Imposed or threatened tariffs across the galaxy, prompting a Wall Street Journal editorial headlined “The Dumbest Trade War in History.” Prepared to eliminate the Education Department because, after all, it’s not like anyone can learn how to be a “very stable genius”—you have to be born that way. Announced that “if it’s necessary” he’d send troops to displace 1.8 million Gazans from their homeland and turn it into “the Riviera of the Middle East.” Finally, on the topic of real-estate grabs, the man who once compared himself to Nelson Mandela announced that “South Africa is confiscating land, and treating certain classes of people VERY BADLY,” and that he would be cutting off funding. “Certain classes of people” was a reference to the white minority. Surprise.
4.
ELON MUSK
Speaking of certain classes of South African people: look who’s now running the U.S. government. Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent granted Un-elected Co-President Musk’s made-up agency, the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), unprecedented and probably illegal access to the Treasury’s federal-payment system. Senator Chuck Schumer wondered, “Will DOGE cut funding to programs approved by Congress that Donald Trump decides he doesn’t like?” And as New York magazine put it, “Elon Musk May Have Your Social Security Number.” By week’s end, one 25-year-old member of his DOGE brigade had resigned after racist posts he’d made surfaced (“Normalize Indian hate” … “Just for the record, I was racist before it was cool” … “I just want a eugenic immigration policy, is that too much to ask”). President Trump and Vice President Vance called for his reinstatement.
5.
ERIC ADAMS
Department of Justice officials have been talking to prosecutors and defense lawyers about dropping bribery charges against New York’s mayor, whose trial is due to begin in April. This would save the president the hassle of having to pardon the newly (and aggressively) Trump-friendly Adams. Meanwhile, another candidate might be joining the already crowded field challenging the incumbent in the fall: allies of the disgraced former governor Andrew Cuomo are setting up a super-PAC.
6.
THE CABINET
Two more alarming candidates appear headed for confirmation. Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and Tulsi Gabbard both survived preliminary votes (by the Senate Finance Committee and Senate Intelligence Committee, respectively) and are headed for full-Senate consideration and, it’s expected, approval along party lines. Kennedy, a science skeptic, would be our next health secretary; the dictator-friendly Gabbard would direct national intelligence. And our elected senators would therefore have rejected not a single one of the largely atrocious candidates advanced by Trump. (Matt Gaetz withdrew from attorney-general consideration before any vote.) Through the looking glass we go.
7.
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE
The reliably noisy representative posted enthusiastically about Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt’s first briefing, Greene’s only apparent issue being with (right-wing!) political commentator Gunther Eagleman’s accent: “@PressSec is doing a wonderful job! Bringing sanity and common sense and throwing it in the faces of the nasty legacy media. How about that accent from that reporter? I think we need to throw out all the foreign press! American media first.” Have you ever heard Marjorie Taylor Greene speak?
8.
DONALD TRUMP JR.
Facing investigation by Italian authorities for shooting a protected species of duck while on a hunting trip near Venice in December, The Times of London reported. Don Jr.—who has long enjoyed posing with animals, or parts of animals, he’s just slaughtered—appeared with a dead ruddy shelduck, an endangered species, in a video on the Web site Field Ethos, which he founded. “We’re relics—old-school adventurers who make no apologies for who we are,” declares the site’s manifesto. “We’re men of global experience with the confidence to explore the uncharted places. At first light, we’re masters of logistics; by sundown, we’re whiskey-fueled philosophers by a campfire.... We like the best of everything and if we can’t wear it out or break it, then nobody can.” —George Kalogerakis
George Kalogerakis, a Writer at Large at AIR MAIL, worked at Spy, Vanity Fair, and The New York Times, where he was deputy op-ed editor. He is a co-author of Spy: The Funny Years and a co-editor of Disunion: A History of the Civil War
