With Election Day just around the corner, the candidates for mayor, the City Council, district attorney, and more are crisscrossing the boroughs to get out every last vote. Early voting has been huge this year, and nearly 300,000 New Yorkers have already cast their ballots. But there are still groups of undecided voters out there, waiting to be persuaded. If you’re running for office, here’s a last-minute list of who to focus your attention on.
People stuck underground on the train
Whether it’s due to someone holding the doors or “train traffic ahead of us,” tens of thousands of New Yorkers have been stuck underground without phone service for the entire mayoral campaign. There’s still time to reach these people, once things clear up in the tunnel ahead of them.
Mr. & Mrs. Met
Queens’s most famous residents refuse to vote until they’ve met each and every candidate and run them through a rigorous series of education-policy questions and ground-ball drills.
Voters in the sixth borough
It’s Atlantis, the underwater city. If you don’t know that, I’m sorry, you’re not a real New Yorker.
People who are superstitious about voting early
Just like it doesn’t feel quite right for some New Yorkers to bite into a slice of unfolded pizza, many New York voters just don’t feel comfortable voting before Tuesday.
New Yorkers stuck in their Halloween costumes
The back half of a two-person horse costume hasn’t gotten to watch the second mayoral debate yet, and half of a “Jumbotron infidelity at the Coldplay show” couple’s costume still needs time to weigh the ballot measures because they lost their partner at a Halloween party and then caught them cheating.
Atlantis voters who are stuck underground
The signal-repair work on the 8 line has made weeknight trains a real nightmare. Needless to say, these undecideds still have to brush up on the candidates for what they eye-rollingly call “Dry City Hall.”
New Yorkers who keep wandering into the bus lane because they’re distracted trying to send the new A.I. slop video of Will Smith eating linguine to their family group chat
These voters might not be reachable by even the most talented politician, unfortunately.
The Shakespeare In The Park free-ticket line
Yes, the show is over. And, yes, people are still lining up at four A.M. for some reason.
Lighthouse keepers
If you see someone in a T-shirt that says, “I’m a Lighthouse Keeper … and I Vote,” there’s a good chance they’re still undecided.
New Yorkers texting “on my way!” and “A block away!” but are still in their apartment
This shockingly large group of voters will swear to you that they’ve made up their minds on the candidates and the judges and the ballot measures, and they’ll even claim they already voted. But it’s all lies—these voters think everyone has been talking about JoJo Siwa.
Voters who are almost done with Cuomo’s PANDEMIC-era vanity book
And they’re still waiting to see how the book ends. Will the $5 million book deal and daily PowerPoints vault the governor to the presidency? Or will he quit in ignominy as an outed sex pest? No spoilers!
Traditionally religious Atlanteans
This year the Atlantean festival of Crab Easter is in early November, so many potential borough voters have been distracted. They’ve been too busy steaming the wrinkles from their crustacean robes, hanging claws around their gills, and leaving out tasty fish bones for Kind Sir Claw.
New York’s senior U.S. Senator
A powerful but small bloc of Brooklyn voters who still seem to be weighing their options. This voting bloc is more engaged with politics than your average person is but still needs a bit more information to break through their indecision and inaction—a great opportunity for a candidate with the right closing message!
James Folta is a Brooklyn-based writer and editor. He’s a staff writer for Lit Hub and the managing editor of the humor site Points in Case
