FOOL’S GOLD
Sixteen governors have formed a multi-state alliance to counter the suspect data that R.F.K. Jr. and his teetering federal health agencies are putting out. This secession opens a new chapter in the battle between blue states and the Trump administration. The alliance members include California, Illinois, New York, and Guam. (You know it’s bad when even Guam gets involved.) Andrew Nixon, a spokesperson for the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, shot back, claiming the Democratic governors are the ones who “destroyed public trust in public health” during the pandemic and that “Secretary Kennedy” is “rebuilding that trust” using “Gold Standard Science.” Right.
SHOOTING BLANKS
“That is a national-security threat to our country,” declared R.F.K. Jr. at a press conference on Thursday. He wasn’t referring to al-Qaeda or MS-13 but to sperm—specifically, the alarming claim that teenage boys today have lower sperm counts and testosterone than 65-year-old men. (which, by the way, would totally explain octogenarian Robert De Niro’s baby). Experts, however, refute this claim, pointing out that data is scarce and many studies say counts have remained the same. “When my uncle was president, the fertility rate in this country was 3.5 percent,” R.F.K. Jr. said. “Today, it is 1.6 percent.” He also made sure to remind viewers of his own triumphant, unimpeachable virility: “I have seven children! I feel that God has blessed me with that.”
