FOOL’S GOLD
Sixteen governors have formed a multi-state alliance to counter the suspect data that R.F.K. Jr. and his teetering federal health agencies are putting out. This secession opens a new chapter in the battle between blue states and the Trump administration. The alliance members include California, Illinois, New York, and Guam. (You know it’s bad when even Guam gets involved.) Andrew Nixon, a spokesperson for the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, shot back, claiming the Democratic governors are the ones who “destroyed public trust in public health” during the pandemic and that “Secretary Kennedy” is “rebuilding that trust” using “Gold Standard Science.” Right.
SHOOTING BLANKS
”That is a national-security threat to our country,” declared R.F.K. Jr. at a press conference on Thursday. He wasn’t referring to al-Qaeda or MS-13 but to sperm—specifically, the alarming claim that teenage boys today have lower sperm counts and testosterone than 65-year-old men. (which, by the way, would totally explain octogenarian Robert De Niro’s baby). Experts, however, refute this claim, pointing out that data is scarce and many studies say counts have remained the same. “When my uncle was president, the fertility rate in this country was 3.5 percent,” R.F.K. Jr. said. “Today, it is 1.6 percent.” He also made sure to remind viewers of his own triumphant, unimpeachable virility: “I have seven children! I feel that God has blessed me with that.”
CHERYL SPEAKS HER TRUTH …
In the midst of all this, R.F.K. Jr.’s wife, Curb Your Enthusiasm actress Cheryl Hines, has decided to go on a press tour to promote her memoir, Unscripted (Perhaps a reference to her husband’s recent remarks on placentas?), which we think is a wonderful idea! During her combative appearance on The View, host Joy Behar aimed to clear up some confusion about the health secretary. “Does he or does he not have a brain worm?” Hines reassured her that “it ate just a little bit of his brain and died, so don’t worry.” (“Wait, what died? The brain died?” asked Whoopi Goldberg.) And, in an interview with Fox News, Hines was asked if she also wears jeans and hiking boots to work out, as R.F.K. Jr. has been photographed doing. “I do not. It’s odd.”
… So Does Nuzzi
Cheryl’s isn’t the only memoir the health secretary will be reading with bated breath this year. Olivia Nuzzi, the former New York Magazine reporter who lost her job after admitting she had a digital affair with R.F.K. Jr. while covering his presidential campaign, is also coming out with a dishy new tell-all—one that allegedly addresses her relationship with him. During their exchanges, R.F.K. Jr. allegedly told Nuzzi (now the West Coast editor of Vanity Fair) that he wanted to “control,” “possess,” and “impregnate” her. Maybe he really is that dedicated to getting those fertility rates up.
Carolina de Armas and Paulina Prosnitz are Junior Editors at Air Mail
