The intense run-up to oligarchic rule was reflected in our poll results, as many of the system’s most fervent supporters (that is, oligarchs) continued to strut and crow. Elon Musk—sick of him yet?—won for the second straight week, although it was a squeaker. Musk, with 25.9 percent, barely topped Mark Zuckerberg—now sporting grown-out hair and a gold medal around his neck, and given to musing about “masculine energy”—whose 24.4 percent suggested we’ll be seeing more of him in A.W.I. Props as well to America’s favorite hug-dispensing duchess, Meghan Markle, standing accused, along with her husband, of disaster tourism (20.1 percent).
And what of Donald Trump? Fourth place (14.3 percent) was a feeble showing for A.W.I.’s GOAT, but we anticipate he’ll soon more than make up for any recent sub-par forays and are assuming a protective crouch accordingly.
On to this week’s candidates, but first:
“I, Donald John Trump, do solemnly swear … that I will … preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States.”
—Donald Trump
The nominees in this week’s edition of the Attention-Whore Index Poll are …
1.
LORENZO SEWELL
The Detroit pastor had a very busy Monday. First, he delivered the benediction at Trump’s inauguration. Then, a few hours later, he announced a crypto coin called $Lorenzo. (“I need you to do me a favor, right now. I need you to go buy the official Lorenzo Sewell coin. I want you to be able to see politics become manifest, not just in the way where we’re praying over political gatherings, but where we’re seeing us become the hands and the feet of the Lord Jesus Christ.”) $Lorenzo has not taken off. Obviously, more prayer is needed.
2.
PETE HEGSETH
To the list of allegations against Trump’s choice for secretary of defense, add spousal abuse. Hegseth’s second (now former) wife was said by his former sister-in-law to be so afraid of him that she “once hid in her closet … because she feared for her personal safety.” And The Guardian reported that on recent podcasts Hegseth railed against “egalitarian, dystopian LGBT nightmare” public schools and agreed with Christian reconstructionism, which “envisions a subordination of ‘civil government’ to Old Testament law [and] capital punishment for infringements of that law such as homosexuality.” Naturally, Hegseth was confirmed on Friday by the Republican-controlled Senate.
3.
VIVEK RAMASWAMY
Having brought a wasteful bureaucracy to heel after heading up the Department of Government Efficiency with Elon Musk, Ramaswamy will reportedly step away to run for governor of Ohio. This leaves Musk to lead DOGE by himself—maybe happily. “There has been friction between the incoming rank and file DOGE staff and Ramaswamy,” said CBS, “and Ramaswamy has been subtly encouraged to exit.”
4.
ELON MUSK
Musk, who did or didn’t give the Nazi salute a couple of times (leading activists to project the word “HEIL” before “TESLA” on the carmaker’s Berlin factory), and definitely did make fun of Trump’s just-announced A.I. initiative, was accused of inflating his video-game abilities, upsetting gamers who watched his live-streamed Path of Exile 2 skills and found them “lacking,” NBC reported. (Surely you’re familiar with Path of Exile 2. Briefly: “For 20 years Wraeclast has been free from any sources of Corruption, but the Count of Ogham, tempted by promises of power, intends to harness it once more. The dead are rising, monsters are mutating, and madness is spreading.”) As one disappointed gamer said, convincingly, “This is embarrassing and very silly.”
5.
ERIC ADAMS
Even before he sat down for a jolly interview with Tucker Carlson—“declining to challenge almost any criticism Carlson leveled about immigration, congestion pricing and the odor of New York City,” according to Politico—New York’s mayor had traveled to Mar-a-Lago to kiss the ring—sorry, to discuss “a number of issues” crucial to New Yorkers. Or maybe crucial to one particular New Yorker? No, Adams insisted, their conversation did not include any talk of a possible pardon for the crimes he’s scheduled to stand trial for. But who knows? The chronically aggrieved president feels a kinship with the similarly victimized mayor, neither of whom has ever done anything wrong. “We were persecuted,” Trump told Adams not long ago. “I was persecuted, and so are you, Eric.” Attended the inauguration—after having lobbied for weeks for an invitation and finally received one after midnight on the day itself.
6.
MARK ZUCKERBERG
Still preoccupied with masculine energy—he wasn’t even distracted by Steve Bannon’s calling him “a criminal”—Zuckerberg blamed Sheryl Sandberg “for an inclusivity initiative at Facebook that encouraged employees’ self-expression in the workplace,” The New York Times reported. When Business Insider subsequently noted “some backlash online and support for Sandberg,” Zuckerberg went into spin mode: “Sheryl did amazing work at Meta and will forever be a legend in the industry.”
7.
DONALD TRUMP
Was inaugurated and resumed lying. Puffed up like a blowfish, he waved a sword around and set about undoing whatever good had been accomplished over the last four years. Rhetorically, hit the ground running: “The golden age of America begins right now.... America’s decline is over.... I was saved by God to make America great again.” By which, it turns out, he meant freeing the violent criminals who’d stormed the Capitol at his urging. (“Fuck it,” Trump said, according to an adviser quoted in Axios. “Release ’em all.”) So far, so good! Still, he really needs to finish assembling his kakistocracy: Trump ended his first week back in office with a Cabinet of three.
8.
THE SUSSEXES
Continued to live the quiet life. Even though the couple had been accused of “disaster tourism” in the wake of the California fires, Harry doubled down, meeting and posing with firefighters and therapy dogs. And not long after the Duchess of Sussex was called “a dictator in high heels” (The Hollywood Reporter) came new reports that her attitude toward staff is “really, really, really awful” (Vanity Fair) and that as a unit the Sussexes, and the attention they draw, are far from welcome in Montecito—allegations the couple rejected. A hastily resurfaced 2020 Access Hollywood interview with Sharon Stone, republished in Hello!, showed just what regular folks the Sussexes are. Stone told of a friend of hers who was waiting in her car at a red light when Harry and Meghan “bicycled across the street and waved at her.” Just like that! —George Kalogerakis
George Kalogerakis, a Writer at Large at AIR MAIL, worked at Spy, Vanity Fair, and The New York Times, where he was deputy op-ed editor. He is a co-author of Spy: The Funny Years and a co-editor of Disunion: A History of the Civil War
