According to the more spiritual among us, islands are energy centers, and, for that reason, each draws a very specific crowd. It’s not always easy to find one that’s the right fit. But fear not, we’ve created a definitive road map to the islands of the Mediterranean, of who is going where and why.
Ibiza
You only frequent the north of the island because “the south has been ruined by the … masses.” You wear $1,000 dresses in Egyptian silver from Annie’s Ibiza and have “chakra opening” massages at Six Senses spa every day. You don’t go out much anymore since you went sober, but each time someone from your Eurotrash circle posts a story on Ibiza, you can’t help but show off your deep knowledge of the island: “You were at Es Torrent? What a throwback!”
Minorca
You love large, printed caftans, straw hats, and walking barefoot. You’re likely a Spanish aristocrat, and you check into the same organic-farm hotel every year for $700 a night. You take pottery classes in the morning and love lamenting how Hauser & Wirth has changed the island, “which used to be low-key,” over lobster at Sa Llagosta for dinner.
Capri
You book a room at Quisisana for $10,000 a night, where you’ll spend most of the day on your phone writing work e-mails. Is it cool to wear Loro Piana loafers to the beach in Italy? You’ve been to Capri five times but have never thought to stop in Naples to see Pompeii. Once home, you caption your Instagram of spaghetti alla Nerano “La dolce vita” with an Italian flag and a lemon emoji. Your friends comment, “OMG I’m obsessed,” as if they’ve never seen a post like this before.
Ischia
You check into the Mezzatorre Hotel and immediately boast to friends that you “found this new hidden gem.” You are probably wearing the same new Gucci dress as your girlfriends in Capri and Positano, but your photo goes up on Instagram first. It shows off your oval-cut engagement ring wrapped around an Aperol spritz in a photo captioned, “Cheers to this perfect little island.”
San Domenico Taormina
You booked the room at the Four Seasons last year after watching Season Two of The White Lotus. It’s your second time leaving the U.S., and you take the same approach to your outfits as you would for a good college theme party. You can’t help sneaking a few selfies in your Dolce & Gabbana babushka scarf and oversize shades. You really want to drive a Vespa, but you’re also terrified to leave the hotel.
The Rest of Sicily
You went to Sicily before Mike White put it on the map because you have always understood its dilapidated charm. You wear large hats around Noto and write whimsical poetry under every Instagram post about the Baroque palaces, scorched streets, lemon trees, and Mother Earth. Your friends’ houses are all in World of Interiors. Talking about the heat is a definite faux pas; everything in Sicily is simply “divine.”
Pantelleria
You are either an interior designer, a stylist, or a photographer. In all three scenarios, you’re gay. Giorgio Armani is your neighbor. You love delving into your appreciation for the island’s unique landscape—the black volcanic rock, green cacti, and jagged cliffs—because it highlights your own creativity. You wear a lot of caftans, and recently the décor in your house has gone full souk. Pantelleria is close to Africa, after all.
Mykonos
Somehow you still want to spend $5,000 a night to go to Skorpios. Maybe you’re on a bachelor trip with the homeys, or maybe you just don’t read the newspapers much. There’s no better place to wear your big, boxy sunglasses and listen to Keinemusik. You fly straight home after Mykonos but caption your Instagram “Euro Trip 2024” with an elusive scorpion emoji.
Antiparos
You’ve taken the five-minute ferry ride across from Paros many times now, but you still insist this is a “remote Greek island.” You rent a seven-bedroom villa and wear your diamonds and a large hat (all those laser appointments with Dr. Dennis Gross will not go to waste) around the port. Matthew McConaughey and Tom Hanks—who rent walled-up houses on the southeast coastline—are almost mystic presences here. If “quiet luxury” were an island …
Patmos
You came for the first time last summer but ask everyone you meet, “Have you ever been to Patmos before?” You are from Connecticut but adopt a British accent here, as well as a George Karelias smoking habit. You call the main square platia because everyone else does. You take photographs of random old people on the beach—or, even better, fishermen—for your Instagram carousel. You wonder if people assume you’re a local.
Hydra
You post an Instagram story of Jeff Koons’s Apollo Wind Spinner to let your friends know you’ve arrived. You also post a photo at the new George Condo exhibition at the Deste Foundation in a full Jacquemus outfit. If people ask, you say you’re plugged into Athens’s nascent gallery scene and have found the new Greek “art island.” You haven’t met any artists yet, though.
Syros
You only go here with your boat if you’re actually famous and really don’t want anyone to find you. Out of solidarity, enough said.
Elena Clavarino is a Senior Editor at AIR MAIL
