MAR-A-LARGO, FL 8/03/24: Former president Donald J. Trump took to his Truth Social account to let Senator J. D. Vance know that he was throwing him off the 2024 G.O.P. ticket for the vice presidency. “J.D., YOU’RE FIRED!,” Trump posted in all capital letters.
Trump first began texting at 3:35 A.M. and finished at 5:02 A.M., with a total of seven postings. The complete texts are reprinted below.
3:35 A.M.: Today I am announcing that J.D. Vance is no longer the GOP candidate for Vice President of the United States. I will be announcing my new choice shortly. It’s going to be AN OUTSTANDING CHOICE, a perfect choice and I think it’s going to surprise a lot of people and make a lot of people very, very happy so stay tuned. J.D., YOU’RE FIRED!
3:51 A.M.: I never really liked J.D. Vance. Didn’t know him well. The first time I ever spoke to him was when he sat down (UNINVITED!) next to me at the GOP convention. As you know that was right after I was shot in a horrible, horrible assassination attempt. Luckily, they missed and it’s a DISGRACE that it ever even happened. An absolute disgrace. The head of the FBI, Christopher Wray, should be ashamed of himself. If crooked Joe Biden was awake, he would fire his ass.
4:09 A.M.: Many, many doctors I’ve spoken to, and I’ve spoken to a lot, some of the greatest medical minds on the planet, all say that I was probably suffering from post-traumatic syndrome as a result of the horrific assassination attempt on my life and that effected my thinking in choosing J.D. Vance, who’s a real LOSER, by the way, never really liked him, NOT A FAN! Turns out you can take the hillbilly out of the holler but you can’t take the stupid out of the hillbilly.
4:10 A.M.: J.D. Vance went around the country attacking childless cat ladies who are miserable. How stupid is that? Trump loves miserable people. And cats. If cats could vote they would be HUGE Trump supporters. Skunks, weasels, asses, and snakes, too.
4:11 A.M.: J.D. Vance wants to raise taxes on people without kids. TERRIBLE idea unless you’re Nick Cannon. He says he wants NO EXCEPTIONS for abortions including incest or rape and he says he wants to track women who go out of state for abortions and then prosecute them. I’m all for FREE SPEECH but it’s free speech like that that is going to cost me the election.
4:31 A.M.: J.D.’s wife, Usha. It came out she’s a Trump hater. What the hell is going on in America with all these stupid names? Usha, Kamala, Barack Hussein. Awful names for awful people. Usha. Somebody check her immigration status. But don’t worry. Once I’m in office I’m going to straighten it all out on day one. Should curry even be allowed in the United States? That’s something we’re going to have to look at.
5:02 A.M.: I am pleased and proud to announce my new Vice Presidential pick. A great man. A brilliant, young man with FRESH, NEW IDEAS. A man who was my number one choice all along. Trump’s new running mate is Kansas City Chief kicker Harrison Butker. A perfect choice. Together Trump and Butker will KICK AMERICA’S ASS.
John Ficarra is a former editor of Mad magazine
