In a thrilling finish reminiscent of the men’s 1,500-meter final at the Paris Olympics, an Attention-Whore Index race that had been shaping up as a battle between two perennials, Donald Trump and the revivified Sussexes, produced an entirely different winner: the loose-cannon, compulsive kibitzer Elon Musk (28 percent) surged past both of them to break the tape. Not exactly a dark horse, but a surprise nonetheless. The Sussexes settled for the silver (26.4 percent) medal and Trump for a rather cheap-looking, gold-plated bronze (25.2 percent). The rest of the field was led by Trump’s latest folly, J. D. Vance (7.6 percent), and Gavin Newsom (6.4 percent), ever ready for his close-up.
Can Musk defend his title? Will the Sussexes show further signs of hitting their stride? And might Trump parlay his ongoing disintegration into a spotlight-commanding spectacle? It’s kind of up to you.
The nominees in this week’s edition of the Attention-Whore Index Poll are …
1.
GEORGE SANTOS
The former representative, con man, and one-time A.W.I. favorite was back in the news. First, a federal judge dismissed his lawsuit against Jimmy Kimmel for “deliberate deception and wrongful appropriation”—the late-night host had requested personalized Cameo videos from Santos under an assumed name and aired them. Then Santos pleaded guilty to federal charges of wire fraud and identity theft and will face a fine and prison time. But what a lost opportunity! By forgoing a trial—and with jury selection only a few weeks away—he opted out of an extended period of basking in the limelight, which he so deeply craves.
2.
ELON MUSK
Denied that he’d presented a Tesla Cybertruck to Chechnya’s president (and Putin ally), Ramzan Kadyrov. Kadyrov had posted a video saying he loved the vehicle, which he’d had fitted with a gun turret, and would be sending it to the Ukraine battlefield, adding, “Elon, thank you! Come to Grozny, I will receive you as my most dear guest!” (Musk’s refutation: “Are you seriously so retarded that you think I donated a Cybertruck to a Russian general?”) Closed X’s offices in Brazil because he’s feuding with a justice on Brazil’s Supreme Federal Court. Has warned of impending civil war in Europe at least eight times in the last 10 months, reported NBC News, blaming immigration—according to a research fellow at George Washington University’s Program on Extremism, Musk’s “barely coded language” is similar to what’s being said in white-supremacist chat rooms.
3.
THE DEMOCRATS
Convened amid what seemed like genuine enthusiasm, joy, even optimism, in contrast to the Republicans’ tonal-opposite gathering, with its harangues and doomsday scenarios and generally feel-bad Voldemort vibes. Even though Donald Trump’s prediction (“Crooked Joe Biden … whose Presidency was Unconstitutionally STOLEN from him … CRASHES the Democratic National Convention and tries to take back the Nomination”) turned out not to be true, the Democratic Party did gather in Chicago for a lot of speechifying, with Biden in attendance as well as, let’s see, “Kamabla, Barrack HUSSEIN Obama, Crazy Nancy Pelosi, Shifty Adam Schiff, Cryin’ Chuck Schumer, and others on the Lunatic Left.”
4.
MELANIA TRUMP
Documents released by the Federal Elections Commission revealed that the former First Lady pocketed $237,500 for speaking in April at a Palm Beach gathering of the L.G.B.T.+ advocacy group Log Cabin Republicans. One might think that a political spouse might make that kind of appearance gratis, particularly since getting to the event—it was at Mar-a-Lago—probably wasn’t a long walk for her, but we’ll let it go. In fact, this compulsion to monetize indiscriminately suggests that maybe she and her husband are soulmates after all.
5.
J. D. VANCE
Still Donald Trump’s running mate, at press time, even though he continues to put his foot in it. Vance told Fox News, “Giving Kamala Harris control over inflation policy, it’s like giving Jeffrey Epstein control over human-trafficking policy.” Whoops! Cue that chummy photo of Epstein and Trump, which quickly resurfaced on X. Meanwhile, nearly every demographic group doesn’t like him (the exceptions, according to a Washington Post–ABC News–Ipsos poll, are non-college-educated whites, rural voters, and white Evangelicals), and his overall unfavorable rating (42 percent) is unusually high for a recent V.P. pick. If Vance continues to denigrate immigrants, women, and cats, the possibilities are limitless.
6.
DONALD TRUMP
Still J. D. Vance’s running mate, at press time. Tanking in the polls, but taking comfort in the knowledge that “I am much better-looking than her. I’m a better-looking person than Kamala.” Yes, he said that. Continued to lie about, well, everything, notably immigrants—the illegal ones, in his opinion, amounting to nothing more than “savage monsters.” Either a) knowingly posted doctored images falsely suggesting Taylor Swift has endorsed him, or b) genuinely believes Taylor Swift has endorsed him. And discovered, courtesy of Craig Brown’s new biography, that even though he had claimed in 2019 that he and Queen Elizabeth had “such a great relationship” and “were laughing and having fun.... Her people said she hasn’t had so much fun in 25 years,” the Queen in fact found Trump “very rude” and said he “couldn’t stop looking over her shoulder, as though in search of others more interesting.” His response to that: “I heard I was her favorite president.”
7.
THE WINDSORS
Charles reportedly told the 10-person private-security team guarding Royal Lodge, home to the King’s feckless brother-squatter, Prince Andrew, that their contract will not be renewed when it expires, in the fall. The move is being interpreted as an attempt to nudge Andrew toward the packing crates, bubble wrap, and duct tape. (What’s next? Turning off the hot water?) And the Windsor-offshoot unit known as the Sussexes returned to Montecito from Colombia just in time for press speculation about Harry’s happiness, or unhappiness, to swing into gear in advance of his 40th birthday, in September.
8.
Robert F. Kennedy JR.
His portentous announcement that he would “address the nation” captured the ego and delusion perfectly: the nation wasn’t exactly on the edge of its seat. Two days later, Kennedy “suspended” his strange campaign and tossed Trump his ever dwindling smattering of supporters, done in not by the evil Democratic Party but rather by brain worms, bear carcasses, accusations of sexual assault, discredited conspiracy theories, offensive coronavirus-vaccine skepticism (“Even in Hitler’s Germany … you could hide in an attic like Anne Frank did”), the fact that most of the Kennedy clan pointedly failed to back him, the fact that Russell Brand did, and the specter of Nicole Shanahan as vice president of the United States. If Kennedy’s Trump-stumping doesn’t get him a Cabinet position, that just means more quality time with his pet ravens. —George Kalogerakis
George Kalogerakis, a Writer at Large at AIR MAIL, worked at Spy, Vanity Fair, and The New York Times, where he was deputy op-ed editor. He is a co-author of Spy: The Funny Years and a co-editor of Disunion: A History of the Civil War
