Subsequent events have put the abominations of the G.O.P. convention distantly in the rearview mirror—except possibly for Elise Stefanik’s memorable straight-faced, stated belief (and there are witnesses) that “President Trump will bring back moral leadership to the White House.” Still, it’s no surprise that the top of the Attention-Whore Index Poll from last week reflects exactly the Republican ticket: Donald Trump, 30.9 percent; J. D. Vance, 21.1 percent. The political newlyweds were followed closely by actual newlyweds, the spendthrift Anant Ambani and Radhika Merchant, at 20 percent.
Now comes the honeymoon phase for both those understated couples. While the Ambani-Merchant plans remain shrouded in mystery (Bali? Not Bali?), Trump-Vance have already filled their steamer trunks with shiny ties and sundry grooming paraphernalia and embarked on a grand tour of the North American continent. Why, as Noël Coward wondered long ago, do the wrong people travel?
The nominees in this week’s edition of the Attention-Whore Index Poll are …
1.
JOE BIDEN
He certainly got everyone’s attention. This time for the right reasons.
2.
KAMALA HARRIS
A complete stranger to the A.W.I. no longer, the once invisible vice president took the baton and hit the ground running—sprinting, even—as she quickly accrued delegates, endorsements, donations, volunteers, and an intangible sense of possibility. And who can blame her? She’ll need that momentum, and more, in the coming months to weather the inevitable misogynistic, racist, fact-free attacks from the Republican low-standard-bearers.
3.
LAUREN BOEBERT
“I demand proof of life from Joe Biden today by 5:00pm,” the drama-averse Colorado representative posted on Monday. (She didn’t get it.) Other right-wing conspiracy theorists pulled out their loupes and obsessively compared Biden’s signature on his dropping-out letter to other Biden signatures. Increasingly belligerent billionaire Bill Ackman said, “If this were a hostage situation, that letter would not qualify as proof of life,” and perennial dingbat Elon Musk concurred that the whole episode “does have ‘hostage’ vibes.” Never mind that Biden was recovering from the coronavirus and said he’d have a news conference later in the week, because, as Donald Trump pointed out (after crowing about having “annihilated [Biden] in an Earth Shattering Debate”), “Biden never had Covid. He is a threat to Democracy!”
4.
DONALD TRUMP’S EAR (AND THE REST OF HIM)
Trump continued to sport a tiny ear patch. However, the wound apparently didn’t affect his uncheckable impulse to project: “The worst president in the history of our country” is what he called Biden. Didn’t waste any time elevating the tone of the reconfigured campaign (“I call her laughin’ Kamala.... You can tell a lot by a laugh. She’s crazy. She’s nuts”). He rambled on, boringly, incoherently, stupidly in his stump speeches, pausing only to sell assassination-attempt merchandise—high-top sneakers branded with the American flag, the fist-raised, face-bloodied image, and FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT across the bottom. (Limited-edition collector’s item, just $299.)
5.
KIMBERLY CHEATLE
Bipartisanship lives! During her congressional testimony about the Trump-rally shooting, the director of the Secret Service was deemed vague and less than forthcoming by Republicans and Democrats alike, some of whom called for—and got—her resignation. Among the answers Cheatle couldn’t or wouldn’t provide: the number of agents assigned to protect Trump at the Butler, Pennsylvania, rally; who decided that the warehouse roof, from which the shots were fired, was outside the purview of the Secret Service; why Trump was allowed to take the stage after people in the crowd had pointed out a gunman on the roof; etc. She did allow that the incident represented the Secret Service’s “most significant operational failure in decades.”
6.
MARIANNE WILLIAMSON
The self-help author, motivational speaker, and chronic candidate for office re-entered the presidential race at the beginning of the month and, after Biden’s announcement, called for an open Democratic convention. “I am the best candidate to take us to victory in November,” she said. It’s very possible that we will never know for sure.
7.
EMINEM
The rapper accomplished a stunning and rare de-Swiftification of the top of the Billboard 200 chart when his new record, The Death of Slim Shady (Coup de Grâce), displaced Taylor Swift’s The Tortured Poets Department after a 12-week run. Well, maybe there’s a song in it for her. —George Kalogerakis
George Kalogerakis, a Writer at Large at AIR MAIL, worked at Spy, Vanity Fair, and The New York Times, where he was deputy op-ed editor. He is a co-author of Spy: The Funny Years and a co-editor of Disunion: A History of the Civil War
