On Monday, the G.O.P. will hold its 2024 national convention in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, culminating in the roll call certifying Donald J. Trump as its party’s official nominee.
The following is an imagination of what this roll call might sound like.
Ladies and gentlemen, fellow delegates, we will now begin the state-by-state roll call for our nominee for president of the United States.
The chair recognizes the representative from the great State of Denial.
Mr. Chairman, it is with enormous pride that I rise in support of the greatest president in the history of this great republic. A self-made family man who brought dignity to the Oval Office and helped restore Christian values to this nation. A selfless man who cares not for himself but for the common man, a man who respects the Constitution and the rule of law and who will stand up to our enemies, Russia, North Korea, and China. He will finish building the wall that he started. He will Make America Great Again! The State of Denial proudly casts all 19 of its votes for Donald J. Trump.
We will now proceed to the State of Affairs.
Mr. Chairman, I rise today on behalf of Marla Maples, E. Jean Carroll, Stormy Daniels, Karen McDougal, and the thousands of other women who, despite his physical appearance and boorish behavior, engaged in some form of sexual activity with the former president. Whether it be one-night stands, long-term entanglements, or unwanted advances in department-store dressing rooms, no married man has done more with less in the name of infidelity. It is with great pride that the great State of Affairs casts all 10 of its votes for the former and future Commander in Cheat, Donald J. Trump.
Thank you. The chair now recognizes the State of Shock.
Mr. Chairman, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I rise tonight not to nominate Mike Pence or Nikki Haley, two highly qualified candidates with long, distinguished careers in public service and a deep understanding of the issues facing this great nation, but rather a disgraced, twice-impeached, convicted felon. A shameless, narcissistic liar who incited the January 6 riots at the U.S. Capitol and who represents a clear and present danger to this democracy. I don’t recognize the country I am living in. Nonetheless, the loyal viewers of Fox News and Newsmax and other low-information primary voters have spoken. The great State of Shock joins with our neighbor, the State of Disbelief, and reluctantly casts all 32 of our votes for Donald J. Trump.
We will now hear from the great State of Outrage.
Mr. Chairman, on behalf of former congressional representatives Liz Cheney and Adam Kinzinger, outgoing senator Mitt Romney, former Cabinet members Mike Esper, Dan Coats, John Kelly, Mick Mulvaney, and countless other former Trump-administration officials, including John Bolton, Anthony Scaramucci, and even washed-up reality contestant Omarosa, I rise to ask WTF? WTF???????? Is this orange-sprayed, two-bit know-nothing grifter the best we can do? We are furious! We are apoplectic! This is insanity! The State of Outrage sadly casts all 31 of its votes for Donald J. Trump.
Finally, the chair recognizes the spokesperson from the great State of Mourning.
Mr. Chairman, it is my great honor to be here today to represent the Founding Fathers of this great nation. Though long gone, they rise and speak as one from beyond the grave in voicing their strong disapproval of our choice of candidate for the presidency of the United States—the highest office in the land, where, above all else, character matters. On behalf of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, James Madison, and all the framers of the U. S. Constitution, the State of Mourning votes loudly, clearly, and emphatically NO!
The votes have been tallied. It is now my great privilege and honor to officially certify the 2024 Republican nominee for president of the United States, Donald J. Trump.
John Ficarra is a former editor of Mad magazine
