The Attention-Whore Index

It was bound to happen eventually: a tie for first place in our weekly Attention-Whore scramble. Donald Trump and the Extended Sussex Clan each polled 27.9 percent. (Marjorie Taylor Greene and Liz Truss were third and fourth, with 16.8 percent and 11.6 percent, respectively.) It’s a testimony to Trump’s dominance in this event that it took a passel of Sussexes, including an estranged half-brother sounding off on YouTube, to exhaust us all as much as Trump routinely does and hold him to a draw. Truly, it’s an honor just to be alive when giants like Trump roam the earth—stooped, shuffling, scowling, and (because we’ll never tire of saying it) in the dock.

The nominees in this week’s edition of the Attention-Whore Index Poll are …

1.

TAYLOR SWIFT

All Taylor’d out? Yet another album—a double album—from the industrious, ubiquitous Swift. The Tortured Poets Department is a presumably autobiographical collection, with allusions to ex-boyfriends, critics, and such—not exactly new terrain—and even some Swifties must be wondering when this will end. How can she stand so much attention? How can she want so much attention? Because being fabulously rich and universally idolized is, we’re told, torturous work.

2.

MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE

All Taylor Greene’d out yet? More and more Republicans are publicly saying they are. The New York Post is. NYET, MOSCOW MARJORIE blared its front page after Greene failed to scuttle the Ukraine aid package. But she has her supporters. “Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene is proposing for the U.S. to withdraw from NATO,” said Russian state TV, admiringly. “She believes that Americans should help Putin win.” And Margarita Simonyan, the head of the Kremlin-controlled media group RT, rhapsodized that Greene “is a beauty. She is one of a few members of the U.S. Congress who is trying to look like a person in an old-fashioned sense of the word. She is a blonde, who wears white coats with a fur collar. She is demonstratively heterosexual.”

3.

JOE BIDEN

“And my uncle, they called him—Ambrose, they called him Bosie—and he became an Army Air Corps, before the Air Force came along, he flew those single-engine planes as reconnaissance over war zones,” said the president, campaigning in Pennsylvania. “And he got shot down in New Guinea, and they never found the body because there used to be a lot of cannibals—for real—in that part of New Guinea.” The implication—that Biden’s uncle was an entrée—is, according to U.S. military records, a stretch and, according to the prime minister of Papua New Guinea, furthermore unfair.

4.

DONALD TRUMP

His hush-money trial got underway and, despite the whining on Truth Social (“Scholars and Experts CANNOT BELIEVE.... To be STUCK in a courtroom, and not be allowed to campaign for President of the United States!”), Trump remained stuck—sorry, STUCK—in a courtroom, where he spent his time glowering, fighting sleep, and, according to Los Angeles magazine, farting. It’ll be great when he can instead dispense history lessons again: “Gettysburg, what an unbelievable battle that was.... It was so much, and so interesting, and so vicious and horrible and so beautiful in so many ways.... Wow. I go to Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, to look and to watch. And the statement of Robert E. Lee—who’s no longer in favor, did you ever notice that? No longer in favor—‘Never fight uphill, me boys. Never fight uphill.’” Um … “me boys”? Pieces of eight! Pieces of eight!

5.

MELANIA TRUMP

“Being a mother is one of the most important roles in life,” said the former First Lady in a statement. “For this Mother’s Day, I have designed the ‘Her Love & Gratitude’ necklace to express immense gratitude and honor all mothers.” Nice. Though that name sounds a little off. “Her Love & Gratitude”? Shouldn’t it be ”Our Love & Gratitude,” or maybe “With Love & Gratitude,” or at least “Her Love & Our Gratitude”? Anyway, the bauble is yours for $245. It should, in any event, help with a certain family’s legal bills.

6.

Kanye West

Long, long ago—in 2022—West posted that “Hollywood is a giant brothel Pornography destroyed my family I deal with the addiction instagram promotes.” He also found Christianity and compared himself to God, though more recently he noted, “You know, I have my issues with Jesus.” Now the perhaps inevitable: “Ye’s been kicking around the idea of launching his own pornography studio and brand for a while—and now, we’re told he seems dead set on doing it,” TMZ reported. “We’re told Kanye and co. have been talking about building an entire Yeezy Porn studio—which would be part of a broader adult entertainment division at the parent Yeezy company.” It’s said that Stormy Daniels’s ex-husband, Mike Moz, “a vet in the porn biz,” is being considered “to help shepherd the whole thing as the head of the new Yeezy wing.”

And now for this week’s Diary …

The mayor of this town just outside Paris reportedly gave the Nazi salute twice at a municipal-council meeting last weekend after having been accused of aligning himself with the far right. (He might or might not have also shouted “Heil!”) Next: an apology on BFMTV for the “unfortunate gesture,” possible legal action, and pressure to resign.

Even though Germany just legalized the possession of cannabis—in small amounts, for recreational use—the state of Bavaria has now banned weed from its beer gardens and public spaces during Oktoberfest. “Our aim is to limit cannabis consumption in public spaces,” said the Bavarian health minister. “That is important for health protection and especially for protecting children and young people.” So, instead, families can continue to focus on getting betrunken in dirndls and lederhosen.

A crackdown on the personal use of company-owned luxury cars in South Korea by requiring the vehicles to carry neon-green license plates has cut into sales. “More than 70 per cent of top-end models from automakers such as Bentley, Lamborghini and Rolls-Royce that were purchased in Korea last year were under corporate accounts,” reported the Financial Times, but since the green plates were introduced, in January, “the number of foreign luxury vehicles … registered as company cars have fallen by 27 per cent.” The head of an automotive-research group said, “Korea is a key market for luxury-car makers. The new rule is causing a headache for them as there is no effective way to revive sales here. People will frown at the sight of supercars with green plates in entertainment or shopping districts or golf resorts.”

Cradle of … exclusivity? Following an announcement from Greece’s culture ministry that the Acropolis—so overrun with visitors that it now “limits” them to 20,000 a day—would be offering early-morning and late-evening private tours in small groups at more than $5,000 per person came the understandable cries of elitism. As well as concerns that the V.I.P. tours might cut into the hoi polloi’s visiting hours. On the other hand, as the director of the nonprofit Hellenic Initiative told The Guardian, “Why not relieve people of their money if it’s going to help protect and preserve our cultural monuments for generations to come?”

The city council has finally had it with carousing, gelato-scarfing mobs wielding their tiny spoons through the streets in the wee hours, and imposed a “ban [on] the sale of takeaway drinks and food, including pizza and ice cream, in 12 of Milan’s liveliest districts,” The Times of London reported. “While the new regulation applies to all kinds of takeaway food, critics have particularly rallied behind gelaterías, which are accustomed to serving late-night customers as an inherent part of Italian culture.” O.K., amico—put the cup on the ground, slowly, and take one step back. —George Kalogerakis

George Kalogerakis, a Writer at Large at AIR MAIL, worked at Spy, Vanity Fair, and The New York Times, where he was deputy op-ed editor. He is a co-author of Spy: The Funny Years and a co-editor of Disunion: A History of the Civil War