Vermont Maple Edible Underwear
Our small-batch, Grade-A-maple-syrup-infused edible underwear (dark or amber) is rigorously taste-tested for sappy residue during church-breakfast potlucks.
Crocheted Alpaca Strap-on Cozy
Finally—a strap-on cozy that is cozy. Soft, hypoallergenic, and embroidered with a monogram to avoid embarrassing mix-ups at the Pumpkin Harvest Festival orgy, it protects all your penetrative toys and makes a great stocking stuffer. Machine wash cold, line-dry only. (Get over it, vanilla neighbors!)
Hickory Shaker Handcuffs and Cedar Spanking Paddle
B.D.S.M. doesn’t just stand for “bobsleighing-dogsledding-snowshoeing-mountaineering” anymore. Our handcuffs-and-paddle set is carved from solid hardwood that’s both knotty and naughty. Pairs well with our horsehair-and-braided-leather whip/needlepoint blindfold/candy-apple gag collection. (Our recommended safe word: “Bernie.”)
Quilted Double-Flannel Ass-less Chaps
Comfy, meet sexy. Reversible, so you get two looks for the price of one. (Our favorite is the Royal Stewart Tartan/Farmhouse Tablecloth Gingham.) Equally great for lounging by the fire or cruising on the hiking trail!
Manchester Pine-cone Butt Plug
To facilitate insertion, our cones are plucked before the scales open and coated with beeswax harvested by our veteran apiarist and buttplay specialist, Edna.
Hand-Mined-Quartz Cock Ring
Hard as a rock? More like hard as quartz! This “gorge-ous” specimen, from 100 percent ethically quarried minerals, will wow the mother of your children.
Burlington Fly
Our famous proprietary aphrodisiac in an organic buttermilk-pancake-mix base. (Note: illegal to be sold, but not possessed, in Brattleboro.)
Waxed-Cotton Barn Coat/Dominatrix Bodysuit
Intimidating. Subjugating. Fleece-lined.
Linen Postcoital Cleanup Rag
Toss out that ratty old 10K walkathon T-shirt and mop up spilled bodily fluids with our lovingly loomed, highly absorbent rag. Available in undyed beige and, to minimize stains, Killington White.
Cheesecloth Prophylactic
Have a latex allergy? Can’t bear the thought of your lamb’s intestinal pouch being re-purposed as a contraceptive? Look no further than our all-natural barrier, which comes with a faint, arousing whiff of 18-month-aged sharp cheddar.
Homemade Boysenberry-Jam Lubricant
When your lovemaking hits a dry patch, reach for a chemical-free lubricant that transports you back to Christmas mornings at Grandma’s.
Farmer’s Daughter’s Almanac
For the literary sensualist, a collection of erotica by the Green Mountin’ State’s most titillating wordsmiths, from tales of steamy affairs conducted at the height of autumn in Montpelier’s most exclusive bed-and-breakfasts to anonymous seven p.m. après-ski rendezvous, tipsy on locally brewed hard cider, in the lodge mudroom. Sold with optional incognito dust jacket of Ethan Allen: The Pre-Revolutionary Years.
Teddy Wayne is the author of several novels. His next, The Winner, will be published by Harper in May
Kate Greathead’s second novel, The Book of George, will be published by Henry Holt & Company in October
