Attention Whores tend to launch their determined dashes into our consciousness from all different worlds—politics, entertainment, social media, sports … anyplace, really. But whether they arrive at center stage by shooting out of the wings, or rising through a trapdoor like Wilfrid Brambell in A Hard Day’s Night, or swooping in wildly on a harness—Mind the proscenium arch!—they never fail to locate that spotlight.
Yet every now and then (and this is one of those weeks), all the leading finishers seem to have been spawned in the same miserable corner of the toxic primordial ooze. Hence, we have a sweep of sorts: In first place, the distinguished foreign correspondent Tucker Carlson, with 44.5 percent of your vote. Second, following a solid week’s worth of chaos and dysfunction, the G.O.P., with 19.8 percent. And third, that party’s poster boy and a category unto himself, Donald Trump, at 15.4 percent. If only the Texas-border-obsessed Sarah Palin and Ted Nugent had polled higher, they could have added a caboose to that three-car train of political noxiousness! But, sadly, they managed only 2.2 percent and a tie for sixth place with Fani Willis.
The nominees in this week’s edition of the Attention-Whore Index Poll are …
1.
DONALD TRUMP
Where to start? Inevitably, his NATO remarks, which boiled down to encouraging Russia to attack alliance members who weren’t paying their fair share. No question, inviting Vladimir Putin to attack Europe puts one solidly in the A.W.I. running. And goading European nations to pony up what they owe coming from the world’s most renowned deadbeat—well, that takes A.W.I. nerve. For variety, Trump mocked Nikki Haley’s National Guard officer husband, now deployed in the Horn of Africa (“What happened to her husband? Where is he? He’s gone”), and even Taylor Swift, with “There’s no way she could endorse Crooked Joe Biden, the worst and most corrupt President in the History of our Country, and be disloyal to the man who made her so much money”—a reference to a copyright law benefiting musicians that Trump signed but really had nothing else to do with.
2.
THE G.O.P.
Last week’s runner-up stays in the game as key Republicans shrugged off Trump’s dangerous NATO observations. Lindsey Graham: “I think the point here is to, in his way, to get people to pay.” Marco Rubio: “I have zero concern, because he’s been president before.” Craven, spineless, utterly predictable—and worthy of your vote.
3.
JENNIFER LOPEZ
Two points of view regarding J.Lo’s appearance at the opening of the One&Only One Za’abeel resort, in Dubai. According to The Sun, she “caused [an] uproar … when she pocketed a rumoured £5million [$6.3 million] to be the guest of honour at the launch of a five-star hotel in anti-gay Dubai,” causing one activist to lament, “It’s very sad that a long-time LGBTQ ally like Jennifer Lopez is prepared to put money before human rights.” On the other hand, Hello! focused on the “sparkly jumpsuit” she wore “to perform for the A-list crowd,” which included Naomi Campbell, Vanessa Hudgens, Emma Raducanu, Idris Elba, and Mark Ronson, and speculated on whether, while at the hotel, she’d stayed in the “exceptional” Villa One, “which features a kitchen, cinema, gym and outdoor swimming pool, creating an unrivalled penthouse in Dubai. It wouldn’t surprise us — only the best for J.Lo!”
4.
THOMAS MARKLE
Ever available for comment, the Duchess of Sussex’s quasi-estranged father said, “I want to send my best wishes to King Charles and hope he gets well very soon. I wish him all the good wishes in the world.”
5.
ROBERT F. KENNEDY JR.
The self-regarding candidate for president apologized for the $7 million Super Bowl commercial aired by a super-PAC that supports him—a creepy appropriation of an actual 1960 campaign spot for John F. Kennedy that substituted his own face for his uncle’s, much to the dismay of at least some of his relatives. (The New York Times noted that the super-PAC, American Values, has received $15 million from Timothy Mellon, a Republican banking heir, who has also given $10 million to a super-PAC supporting Trump.) “I’m so sorry if the Super Bowl advertisement caused anyone in my family pain,” Kennedy wrote on X—though not so sorry that he didn’t pin the commercial to his account on the platform.
6.
JOE BIDEN’S SOCIAL-MEDIA TEAM
Speaking of creepy: their post–Super Bowl offering on the president’s personal accounts on X and Instagram. Posting an image of a laser-eyed, “Dark Brandon” Biden (see the image above) must have struck someone as an amusing commentary on all the Super Bowl/Taylor Swift conspiracy insanity, which had one right-wing podcaster predicting, “Calling it now … Swift comes out at the halftime show and ‘endorses’ Joe Biden with Kelce at midfield. It’s all been an op since day one.” Fine. But—especially given that Team Biden had perversely declined the opportunity for the president to reach what turned out to be the largest Super Bowl audience ever, 123 million people—it seemed like a strange choice. Another strange choice: Biden’s debuting on TikTok, in spite of well-known security concerns about the Chinese-owned platform. —George Kalogerakis
George Kalogerakis, a Writer at Large at AIR MAIL, worked at Spy, Vanity Fair, and The New York Times, where he was deputy op-ed editor. He is a co-author of Spy: The Funny Years and a co-editor of Disunion: A History of the Civil War
