The (Trump) nominees, of whom there seems to be an endless and endlessly appalling supply, continued to make hay, topping the Attention-Whore Index for the third straight time with 37 percent, trailed by the ubiquitous Elon Musk (24.7 percent). Joe Biden’s magnanimity (at least if you happen to be his wayward son) got him 12.1 percent and third place—especially impressive given that the contestants who immediately followed him, Justin Sun and Yoon Suk Yeol, were no slouches: the former spent millions on a banana; the latter declared martial law late one night and called it off before lunchtime the next day.
This week’s competitors in a moment. But first:
“I won the popular vote … by a lot.”
—Donald Trump on NBC’s Meet the Press
The nominees in this week’s edition of the Attention-Whore Index Poll are …
1.
BASHAR AL-ASSAD
Moving can be stressful, even without urgent motivation (e.g., an active coup bearing down on you)—all those boxes, the duct tape, the bubble wrap, etc. We just hope the Assads remembered to pack some sweaters: the average December temperature in Moscow is 30 degrees colder than in Damascus.
2.
HALIEY WELCH
The so-called Hawk Tuah girl, an inadvertent social-media star this past summer, launched a crypto-currency (“Hawk”) that lost $430 million in 20 minutes and then had to defend herself against accusations that it was a scam. Welch’s team denied any “rug pulling,” NBC News reported, “a term used in the crypto world for projects in which a coin’s creators seek to build hype and drive up a coin’s price only for them to sell their holdings at a profit, which then leaves other investors with devalued tokens after prices drop dramatically.”
3.
THE NOMINEES
Trying to keep his bid to be secretary of defense alive in the face of (denied) allegations of sexual misconduct, financial mismanagement, heavy drinking, and, all that aside, unspectacular qualifications, Pete Hegseth spent time in Washington, reportedly telling some senators that if confirmed, he wouldn’t drink. (“That’s a nice thing to say,” observed the president-elect, on NBC, adding, “He’s very respected.”) The Kremlin-curious, al-Assad-supporting national-intelligence nominee Tulsi Gabbard was also in D.C. trawling for support. She still has Trump’s. It turns out that, like Hegseth, “she’s a very respected person.”
4.
ERIC ADAMS
Facing a growing field of Democratic challengers to his re-election, New York’s criminally indicted mayor didn’t rule out switching back to the Republican Party, to which he belonged until 2002. No doubt coincidentally, he continued cozying up to Donald Trump and praised Elon Musk. Meanwhile, before the arrest of Luigi Mangione, Adams declared that “the net is tightening” around the fugitive UnitedHealthcare C.E.O.–shooting suspect, and—oddly—that the authorities had a name, but “we don’t want to release that now. If we do, we are basically giving a tip to the person we are seeking and we do not want to give him an upper hand at all.” Apart from the fact that after the arrest police said they’d had no name, a question: In terms of giving that person “an upper hand,” isn’t announcing that you have his name pretty much the same thing as releasing his name?
5.
JUAN SOTO
The paltry $760 million the Yankees offered Juan Soto to remain with the team apparently wasn’t enough, as the Mets poached the baseball superstar with $765 million. (Who knows—that extra $5 million could be life-changing for Soto.) The Bronx’s loss is Flushing’s gain, though one must point out: it’s still called Flushing. In any case, interleague play just got a lot more interesting.
6.
The Sussexes
The executive producers and sometime royals dropped the latest documentary series from their $100 million Netflix deal, Polo, to tepid reviews. For instance: “[P]olo is the stupidest, most obnoxious sport known to humanity. It’s the playground of the rich,” said The Guardian. “It’s a show about privileged people showing us exactly how privileged they are, which means there isn’t a lot of drama to be found. Unintentional comedy, sure. The cast of characters here is largely made up of men who take polo far too seriously, and the women around them who are left neglected.” On the plus side: the Duke and Duchess are barely in it.
7.
The Alexander Brothers
Luxury real-estate brokers Oren and Tal Alexander, along with their brother, Alon, were arrested in Miami Beach on sex-trafficking charges, having conspired, according to the federal indictment, to “repeatedly and violently drug, sexually assault and rape dozens of women.” Oren, whose wedding to the model Kamila Hansen was featured in Vogue in 2023 (thereby perpetuating the magazine’s marriage curse), saw his and Tal’s real-estate dealings in New York and Miami come to a halt earlier this year after The Real Deal reported that two women had filed lawsuits against them. According to The New York Times, “Allegations of sexual assault had trailed the brothers since they were teenagers.” They’re now in their late 30s.
8.
PATRICK SOON-SHIONG
The hands-on owner of the Los Angeles Times, who nixed a planned endorsement of Kamala Harris and wants to add more conservative voices to the newspaper’s editorial board, intends to impose an A.I.-powered “bias meter” on articles, “the latest controversy to rock the newspaper which has suffered a wave of resignations and layoffs under Soon-Shiong’s ownership,” said The Guardian. “The ‘bias meter’, Soon-Shiong said, will be integrated into articles so that ‘somebody could understand, as they read it, that the source of the article has some level of bias.’” Ideally, someone will come up with a portable version of the bias meter for Soon-Shiong to wear.
9.
KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE and LARA TRUMP
Ouch. It’s the Elgin Marbles Greeks want, but it’s Kimberly Guilfoyle they’re getting. The erstwhile fiancée of Donald Trump Jr. is being packed off to be U.S. ambassador to the country that invented democracy, leaving a horde of almost-relatives and allies to trash the concept back home—and leaving her apparent ex to spend more quality time with Palm Beach socialite Bettina Anderson. Meanwhile, Eric Trump’s wife, Lara, stepped down as co-chair of the Republican National Committee and said she would “100% consider” taking the Florida Senate seat vacated by the presumed next secretary of state, Marco Rubio, which would be Ron DeSantis’s to appoint. Then again, DeSantis might end up leaving the governorship to run Defense if Pete Hegseth isn’t able to fool enough senators. So many moving parts, when you’re assembling a government of incompetents, family members, or both! [Note to Production: please make sure AIR MAIL’s bias meter is turned off.] —George Kalogerakis
George Kalogerakis, a Writer at Large at AIR MAIL, worked at Spy, Vanity Fair, and The New York Times, where he was deputy op-ed editor. He is a co-author of Spy: The Funny Years and a co-editor of Disunion: A History of the Civil War
