Even before Election Day, Donald Trump won something handily, topping the Attention-Whore Index with 55.7 percent of your votes. He earned it. Spending a million dollars to rent an arena and stage a hate-filled lovefest for yourself doesn’t exactly smack of shyness. Finishing second and third (14.1 percent and 13.5 percent, respectively) were Feckless ’n’ Reckless—Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk, plutocrats who in different ways and with different motivations helped sway the election in favor of another rich guy.
As for this quiet, uneventful week, we’ll get to that in a moment. But first this:
“We’re going to help our country heal.”
—President-elect Donald Trump, November 6, 2024
The nominees in this week’s edition of the Attention-Whore Index Poll are …
1.
DONALD TRUMP
Having concluded a racist, misogynistic, vulgar, bigoted, ugly, largely incoherent campaign, the convicted felon won more than 70 million votes and the presidency. Only in America!
2.
ELON MUSK
It might not seem possible, but we’re going to be hearing a lot more from Musk—and so, apparently, is Ukraine’s president, Volodymyr Zelensky, who found himself talking to Musk during a phone call with Trump. All kinds of lines are blurring: late on Election Night, after the outcome became evident, Musk told his 203 million followers on X: “You are the media now.”
3.
RUSSELL BRAND
Scotland Yard, after a year-long investigation, has asked prosecutors in London to consider bringing charges against the actor and comedian, who has been accused by four women of rape, sexual assault, and emotional abuse. Brand, who has insisted the relationships were “always consensual,” is a recent convert to right-wing politics (he urged supporting Trump “if you care about democracy”), Christianity (had himself baptized in the Thames), and conspiracy theories (see his new pal, just below).
4.
ROBERT F. KENNEDY JR.
The “October surprise” turned out to be an inspired late bid by this Trump lackey—and presumed future health czar—for the crucial anti-fluoride vote among the undecideds. Fluoride—says Kennedy—is “industrial waste” that causes cancer, fractures, etc. In fact—says science—it doesn’t, not in the low levels we have in our drinking water. We’ll find out, or so it seems. And, getting quickly into the mendacious swing of things for what Trump said would be a “big role” in his administration, the longtime outspoken anti-vaxxer said he’d “never been anti-vaccine.”
5.
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE
Won re-election—in her Florida congressional district and, it would follow, to the pool of perennial Attention-Whore Index contestants. Got off to a good start by posting, “Donald Trump has just been elected President for a THIRD time.” Maybe that alone will be qualification enough to get her the cabinet position Steve Bannon floated for her: Department of Homeland Security.
6.
RUDY GIULIANI
Ordered by a federal judge to surrender his property and belongings to the election workers he defamed, New York’s former mayor emptied his apartment of most of those belongings and turned up to vote in Florida in his Mercedes (another possession he’s supposed to hand over). Welcomed any opportunity to reflect on other matters. Like Haitians. “They practiced voodoo.… They killed domestic animals,” Giuliani said on a podcast. “It’s not their fault. They live back 200 years ago. They just shouldn’t have been taken out of the jungle and placed in the middle of small-town America.... These people are insane!” Well. Where might one conceivably go from there? If you’re Giuliani, Gracie Mansion. According to the New York Post, the 80-year-old “is exploring running for New York City mayor next year, political insiders say.” Giuliani told the newspaper, “I’m not going to say never, ever, ever.”
7.
TUCKER CARLSON
Said on Steve Bannon’s podcast that the cause of hurricanes was “probably abortion, actually. I’m sure I’ll be attacked for saying this, but I really believe it. You can’t participate in human sacrifice without consequences.” Claimed, in a new documentary, that a year and a half ago he was mauled in bed by a “demon,” or in any event “by something unseen that left claw marks on my sides.” According to The Guardian, Carlson “explained the encounter to an assistant, an evangelical Christian, who told him: ‘That happens, people are attacked in their bed by demons.’ Carlson … called it a ‘transformative experience’ that left him ‘seized with this very intense desire to read the Bible.’” Just hearing the tale has been a transformative experience that left us seized with a very intense desire not to see the documentary.
8.
HENRY KISSINGER
In his will, Kissinger “requested a ‘monument’ in his memory be erected in Arlington National Cemetery to mark the site where he is buried,” Politico reported. “It’s not clear what Kissinger had in mind when he used the word ‘monument.’ The vast majority of graves at Arlington are marked with simple white headstones that stretch over most of the cemetery’s 600 acres.” But that doesn’t sound like the humble Kissinger at all! —George Kalogerakis
George Kalogerakis, a Writer at Large at AIR MAIL, worked at Spy, Vanity Fair, and The New York Times, where he was deputy op-ed editor. He is a co-author of Spy: The Funny Years and a co-editor of Disunion: A History of the Civil War
