Veteran journalist Bob Woodward is out with a new book, War. Woodward claims that in 2020, Trump sent Russian president Vladimir Putin scarce coronavirus-testing equipment for his personal use. Woodward also alleges that since leaving the White House, Trump has conducted as many as seven secret phone calls with Putin. What exactly did the two men talk about? Some excerpts:
Phone Call No. 1
“Vlad, I’m sorry you’re pissed off, but when I told you I’d send you the Covid tests, I never said anything about free shipping.”
“Yes, but 10 billion rubles?!?”
“I know it’s not cheap, but don’t blame me. It’s Biden and his horrendous economic policies. Inflation is everywhere.”
“O.K, O.K., I’ll send you the money the usual way.”
Phone Call No. 2
“I don’t know. Biden’s Justice Department seized most of the top-secret military plans I took from the White House, but fortunately Mar-a-Lago is big place. Let me check at the bottom of my golf-clubs bag for anything they may have missed.”
“That would be most helpful.”
“O.K., I’ll go look now. In the meantime, when we hang up, don’t forget to text me the name of that stuff you like to use on your enemies.”
Phone Call no. 3
“Vlad, I don’t know if we should continue these calls. If any of this ever got out, me consorting with an enemy of the United States, it could ruin me.”
“Everything we say in these phone calls remains just between the two of us.”
“But how do I know I can trust you?”
“Look, I told you no one would ever see the pee tape, and I kept my word. You have nothing to worry about. By the way, the two hookers said to say hello. They still talk about you and your crazy spray-tan lines.”
Phone Call no. 4
“Tell Jared I got the architect’s revised plans.”
“Aren’t they beautiful? It’s going to be the greatest, most fabulous place Eastern Europe has ever seen.”
“Yes, yes, but I still think we’re years away from breaking ground for the Trump Kyiv Hotel and Golf Course.”
Phone Call no. 5
“Tell me, is R.F.K. Jr. as crazy as my intelligence people say he is?”
“Crazier. Did you hear about the sawed-off whale’s head on the top of his car? He is one sick bastard.”
“And you still plan to make him surgeon general?”
“Eh, why not? The guy needs a job. Plus, I want to keep his wife, Cheryl, around. Have you seen her? Trump would love to get some of that.”
“What would Melania say?”
“Who?”
“Comrade Donald. You’ll never change. I must go. Kim is on the other line. Give Melania my best. Uday and Qusay, as well.”
“You mean Eric and Don Jr.?”
“Yeah, whatever.”
Phone Call no. 6
“I’m ahead in the polls. Way ahead. My people say they’ve never seen anything like it.”
“My friend, there is an old saying in Russia: ‘Не несите чушь на художника дерьма.’ Don’t bullshit a bullshit artist.”
“I never bullshit.”
“Hahahaha! O.K., let’s say you do win. What are your plans for day one?”
“Pardons, and lots of them! A pardon for me, Rudy, all the J-6 rioters, Mark Meadows, and the Menendez brothers. Great kids, really wonderful American boys.”
“What about a pardon for Diddy?”
“Sure, why not? He’s just got to come up with $50 million. The Trump presidency isn’t a charity organization.”
Phone Call no. 7
“What am I wearing? What the hell kind of question is that?”
“Sorry, force of habit.”
“Donald, are you taking your meds?”
“I stopped. Laura Loomer told me that Kamala is sneaking something into the pills to make me appear all sweaty and confused at my rallies.”
“How barbaric! All right, I must go. I have another call coming in from China. It’s either Xi Jinping or one of those goddamned telemarketers. Donald, hang up the phone.”
“No, you hang up.”
“I said it first, hang up!”
“I said it last, you hang up!”
“This is so childish. On the count of three, we’ll hang up together. One, two, three!”
“Donald, hang up the goddamned phone!”
“O.K., but just one more thing I’ve been wanting to tell you: I love you, Vlad.”
Click.
John Ficarra is a former editor of Mad magazine
