To: All White House senior staff

From: Office of the Physician to the President

Re: Presidential aging

As you are aware, there has been much speculation in the press as to whether Joe Biden is too old to seek and serve a second term as president of the United States. To date, we have not observed any instances to warrant these concerns. Nonetheless, it is our sworn duty under the Constitution to be diligent in monitoring the president’s physical and mental capacity to serve. Toward that end, I have compiled a list of 12 warning signs of aging that we should all be on the lookout for over the next five years. Your cooperation is greatly appreciated.

  1. Every time a car enters the White House grounds, he gets up, peers through the curtains, and says, “For Christ’s sake, who the hell is it now?”
  2. He orders all state dinners to begin promptly at four P.M.
  3. He asks if the nuclear codes could be changed to his grandkids’ birthdays for easier memorization.
  4. At a meeting of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, he suddenly blurts out, “Where the hell is Patton?”
  1. During his State of the Union address, he grabs the Speaker’s gavel and begins auctioning off stuff.
  2. While laying a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, he remarks, “I think I met this guy.”
  3. Halfway through the White House Easter Egg Roll, he orders in the National Guard to “get these damn kids off my lawn.”
  4. He’s back to describing Obama as “articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy.”
  5. He’s replaced saluting military personnel with “Pull my finger.”
  6. He absolutely refuses to go up to Capitol Hill—“Too many damn steps!”
  7. Whether he’s meeting with the G7 or the White House summer interns, he always steers the conversation around to doctor visits and the side effects of his new meds.
  8. Whenever the U.S. Marine Band plays “Hail to the Chief,” he complains, “Don’t these guys know anything else?”

John Ficarra is the former editor of Mad magazine