“Forget what you read in the newspapers. The war in Ukraine is going exactly as I planned. By 2029, Kiev will be mine! 2051 at the latest!”
“Aaron Rodgers is a symbol for all America. One hit and he crumbles!”
“K.G.B. assures me our plan to use satellites and military technology to remotely switch votes from Joe Biden to Donald Trump will work this time! Then we’re back to the good old days!”
“I swear on all of Mother Russia, I had nothing to do with the death of Yevgeny Prigozhin. HaHaHaHaHaHaHa, HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa, HaHaHaHaHaHaHa.”
“Vladimir, stop! You’re killing me! HaHaHaHaHaHaHa, HaHaHaHaHaHaHa.”
“Wordle? I always start with the word ‘bully.’”
“Me too!”
“What do you mean I should execute my barber?”
“That photo of me on the horse shirtless? One hundred percent Photoshopped.”
“That’s nothing. All those ‘love letters’ I wrote to Trump? One hundred percent ChatGPT!”
“It’s true. The cost of the war in Ukraine has forced me to make some difficult choices. Last week I had to let go of Mike Flynn.”
“It’s in the next car on your right. But I used the last of the toilet paper just as we pulled into Vladivostok.”
“My predecessor Joseph Stalin once said, ‘A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths are a statistic.’ I’m only at 70,000 soldiers in Ukraine. I have a lot of work ahead of me.”
“Corrective colonies, re-education camps. You say tomato, I say tomato.”
“Da, of course the pee tape is real. I’ll have my staff include a copy when they send you the new season of And Just Like That… ”
John Ficarra is the former editor of Mad magazine