“We came in here, and we saw people defecating on the street. We saw people using heroin. We saw people smoking crack cocaine.”
—Ron DeSantis, during his 20-minute campaign stop in San Francisco
LOS ANGELES: Arrive at LAX, limo straight to homeless encampment under Highway 101. After looking upset, stop at Dodger Stadium for rubbery, tasteless Dodger Dog, followed by quick detour to see naked man pooping at Hollywood and Vine, then back to LAX after driving by Disneyland without stopping.
NEW YORK: Helicopter from J.F.K. to recoil at overpriced, woke food at Smorgasburg, run gauntlet of aggressive beggars in Greenpoint, dip down into subway station to smell pee and count rats, emerge in West Village to frown at everything, then cruise down Lower East Side, looking for junkies.
CHICAGO: Limo from O’Hare to Lincoln Park to glower at dogs off leash and, with any luck, public urinators. Pause at day-care center to ignore children and pose with picture books advancing woke agenda, then make quick stop to wonder at overflowing trash receptacle on way back to airport.
LAS VEGAS: Watch two minutes of Katy Perry residency while shaking head in abject horror, step into casino to watch seniors gamble last of their Social Security checks, cough on cigarette smoke, emerge out onto the Strip, and glare at drunk bachelor party passing in limo jacuzzi.
SAN DIEGO: Motorcade straight from airport to Petco Park to gaze with profound sadness at underachieving Padres before loading Mexican immigrants into private jet, flying them to Seattle.
SEATTLE: After quick walk in rain through touristy downtown area, express disbelief at $40 salmon-jerky sampler and cover ears while street musician plays Nirvana covers on out-of-tune guitar.
MINNEAPOLIS: Stop and unload stowaway immigrants who hid in plane lavatory during 20-minute stop in Seattle.
NEW ORLEANS: Scowl at drunken revelers on Bourbon Street, search out homeless man with load in his pants, adamantly decline the offer of a hurricane, demonstrate righteous anger toward drunken college students who pelt entourage with Mardi Gras beads, informing them, “Nobody will be showing you any part of their body! Not one part!”
TALLAHASSEE: At airport, give press conference about how campaign has deepened love for America, return to governor’s mansion until inauguration.