…Voters who want Trump’s policies without all the compassion, humility, and golf.
… Members of Florida’s tourism board who have never liked the nickname “the Sunshine State” and prefer the much catchier “Where Woke Goes to Die.”
… Russian soldiers on the front lines of the Ukrainian “territorial dispute.”
… Single women with a thing for overweight, thin-skinned authoritarians.
… School librarians who feared, if they didn’t contribute, that DeSantis would find a way to throw them in jail.
… The eternally grateful migrants that DeSantis flew for free from muy horrible Texas to muy maravilloso Martha’s Vineyard.
… Delusional Disney execs who think that by donating they’re “playing the long game.”
Members of Florida’s tourism board who have never liked the nickname “the Sunshine State” and prefer the much catchier “Where Woke Goes to Die.”
… History denialists who love the smell of burning books in the morning.
… Florida Panhandle rednecks who prefer to send their money to DeSantis rather than spend it on beer, ammo, and truck nuts. (Kidding!)
… Self-loathing drag queens.
… Republicans “tired of winning.”
… People named DeSanctimonious who thought they were donating to the campaign of a long-lost relative.
… George Santos (pledged $2 billion).
… Former supporters of Bob Graham, Jeb Bush, Marco Rubio, and other presidential sure bets from Florida.
… Fans of Casey DeSantis who have longed for a First Lady who will wear a hot-pink gown with a cape and long satin gloves to a hurricane-disaster press conference.
… Unidentified Florida man.
John Ficarra is the former editor of Mad magazine