The Attention-Whore Index

Last week’s special Grand-Master Edition of our A.W.I. poll celebrated Instagrammers—specifically, the professional, Olympic-class category of Instagrammers for whom limitless self-regard, captured in images and widely disseminated, is better than breathing. Better than anything. The voting produced a clear winner: Kendall Jenner, with 36.9 percent. Dan Bilzerian and Heidi Klum finished a respectable second and third (16.6 percent and 13.4 percent), and they were followed by Elizabeth Hurley, Irina Shayk, Cristiano Ronaldo, Grimes, and Kate Beckinsale.

And now we’ll try to shake off that soul-crushing detour with a return to garden-variety attention whores. Remember to vote!

The nominees in this week’s edition of the Attention-Whore Index Poll are …

1.

HARRY AND MEGHAN

There were rumors that a deal with Dior was in the offing, but they were quickly quashed. Perhaps it had something to do with Archetypes, Meghan’s podcast, not having been renewed by Spotify for a second season. Bill Simmons, a popular sports podcaster and Spotify executive, remarked, “I wish I had been involved in the Meghan and Harry leave Spotify negotiation. ‘The F****** Grifters.’ That’s the podcast we should have launched with them.”

2.

JOE BIDEN

Clearly angling for a spot in the A.W.I. as a fillip to his re-election campaign, he played the royal card by concluding a speech about gun control, in Connecticut, with “God save the Queen, man.”

3.

Hunter Biden

Not to be outdone by his old man, Hunter agreed to plead guilty to two misdemeanors (both for failing to pay income taxes on time), which in the context of Hunter Biden amounts to good news. He also avoided prosecution for the purchase of handguns while he was using drugs. There will probably be no prison time. Never mind that a Trump appointee, David C. Weiss, oversaw the Hunter Biden investigation and deal. It’s “a massive INTERFERENCE COVERUP & FULL SCALE ELECTION ‘SCAM’ THE LIKES OF WHICH HAS NEVER BEEN SEEN IN OUR COUNTRY BEFORE. A ‘TRAFFIC TICKET,’ & JOE IS ALL CLEANED UP & READY TO GO INTO THE 2024 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION - AND THIS AS CROOKED DOJ, STATE, & CITY PROSECUTORS, MARXISTS & COMMUNISTS ALL, HIT ME FROM ALL SIDES & ANGELS WITH BULL….! MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!!!” (Guess who.)

4.

DONALD TRUMP

Gave Fox News an interview and didn’t do himself any favors, legally or politically: “Before I send boxes over, I have to take all of my things out. These boxes were interspersed with all sorts of things, golf shirts, clothing, pants, shoes, there were many things.” Never mind national security! Taking his golf gear out would have been time-consuming, “and I was very busy, as you’ve sort of seen.”

5.

Samuel Alito

Published an op-ed in The Wall Street Journal that preemptively responded to a ProPublica piece describing an undisclosed $100,000 trip he took to Alaska on billionaire Republican donor Paul Singer’s private plane. “Mr. Singer’s businesses were parties to a number of Supreme Court cases in which Justice Alito participated,” The New York Times noted. But not to worry! “It was and is my judgment that [the] facts would not cause a reasonable and unbiased person to doubt my ability to decide the matters in question impartially,” Alito wrote in his op-ed. Phew! Because for a moment there we were feeling a little, well, unreasonable and biased, as if yet another right-wing Supreme Court justice had planted himself on wobbly ethical ground.

6.

CONOR M_cGREGOR

It’s never a good sign when one is described as being “in the news again for all the wrong reasons.” A woman has accused the mixed martial artist of having raped her in a bathroom at an N.B.A. finals game this month in Miami. McGregor denies it, and his (pregnant with their fourth child) fiancée flew to his side for Father’s Day. The same night as the alleged rape, a halftime publicity stunt in which he punched a team mascot sent the mascot to the hospital.

7.

TUCKER CARLSON and DON LEMON

Carlson took to Twitter, uploading several monologues in possible violation of a non-compete clause with Fox, his former employer, who then sent him a cease-and-desist letter. Lemon, whose career entered pursuing-new-opportunities territory on the same April day Carlson’s did, also re-emerged, hosting the Native Son Awards and, according to the New York Post’s Page Six, “remind[ing] the crowd, ‘I may not be on CNN, but I’m still a journalist.’”

8.

Elizabeth Gilbert

Under attack by thickheaded would-be censors, unfortunately decided to self-cancel publication of her new novel because “I do not want to add any harm to a group of people who have already experienced, and are continuing to experience, grievous and extreme harm”—that group of people being Ukrainians. The novel is set in Russia. Mid-20th century, Stalinist Russia. Also known as the Soviet Union. Sigh. The phrase “well-intentioned” leaps to mind.

And now for this week’s Diary …

A woman who, with her friends, booked a V.I.P. booth at the Boom Shake bar here for $535 was charged an additional $42 for having failed to produce a sufficiently good atmosphere, according to the South China Morning Post. She said the staff told her the surcharge was a fine, “punishment” because “the vibe around us during the last hour there was not vibrant enough.”

Some 40 menhirs—7,000-year-old stones of archaeological (and Asterix comic-book series) significance—were bulldozed on the orders of the mayor of this Brittany town, who then blamed an “administrative error” and claimed he was unaware of their value. The “French Stonehenge” had made way for a new branch of the Mr. Bricolage home-improvement chain.

A 13-year-old girl in a “life education” class who, along with a friend, wondered how a classmate of theirs could self-identify as a cat was reprimanded by her teacher for having “despicable” views. “Their teacher told them they were being reported to a senior leader and were no longer welcome at [Rye College] … if they continued to express the view that only boys and girls exist,” The Telegraph reported. This set off a furious row—in the classroom and, later on, among the parents, one of whom told the newspaper, “I understand the point the teacher was attempting to make, what bothers me is the shutting down of debate in such a threatening and aggressive manner.... (Education) shouldn’t be a case of indoctrination.”

Fear, shame, guilt, and awkwardness have made resigning from jobs they don’t like so difficult for some Japanese that they’re hiring firms to quit on their behalf. “For a fee of 20,000 yen ($144), Exit will contact the client’s employer to inform them of their decision to quit, allowing the employee to avoid any anxiety-inducing confrontations with their superiors,” reported Al Jazeera. “Since its launch in 2017, Exit’s business model has been adopted by about two dozen other companies, spawning a niche industry of resignation outsourcing in Japan.” Kind of a “Take This Job and Shove It for Me” thing.

Britain’s cost-of-living crisis and double-digit inflation have affected families’ vacation plans, kept passionate sports fans from attending matches, and caused brewers to reduce the alcohol content of their beer. Now even inmates are feeling the pinch, complaining about coffee, pepper, and fresh eggs disappearing from menus. “At one prison, inmates no longer receive ‘proper’ chips fried in oil, with oven chips served instead to save money,” reported the Daily Mail. “One first-time inmate even said the situation at his jail was so bad it had ‘convinced me never to come back to prison.’” —George Kalogerakis

George Kalogerakis, one of the original editor-writers at Spy, later worked for Vanity Fair, New York, and The New York Times, where he was deputy op-ed editor. A co-author of Spy: The Funny Years and co-editor of Disunion: A History of the Civil War, he is a Writer at Large at AIR MAIL