Good afternoon. Welcome to Transcontinental Airlines Flight 1215 with nonstop service from New York to Los Angeles.
At this time, we would like to begin our pre-boarding.
Any passengers or senior citizens who may require extra time may board now.
Anyone traveling with colicky babies or rambunctious two-year-olds with runny noses are now welcome to board.
Members of Transcontinental’s Frequent Flyer program who have spent the last hour and a half in our sky lounge getting hammered and now require assistance boarding the aircraft, please stagger forward.
Passengers who enjoy loudly kibitzing with the flight-deck crew or chatting it up with their seatmates nonstop during the entire flight may begin boarding.
Any passengers prone to violent or irrational behavior, such as rushing the cockpit or attempting to open an exit door in midflight, may begin boarding.
Passengers wearing sandals who enjoy picking at their feet or clipping their toenails while in flight are invited to board.
Anyone who insists on leaving their window shade up while the rest of the plane is trying to sleep, you may begin boarding.
Passengers who packed greasy fried chicken or extra-fishy-smelling tuna sandwiches to snack on during the flight, please begin making your way to the gate.
Any passenger with a medical condition, such as sleep apnea, which causes snoring at decibel levels above that of the jet’s engines, or who have an overactive bladder which requires them to climb over their fellow passengers every 15 minutes, may begin lining up for boarding.
Also, any passenger who tested positive for the coronavirus within the last 24 hours and has decided to fly anyway, we would now like to welcome you aboard.
Final call. Passenger [your name here]. You may now board the aircraft.
John Ficarra is the former editor of Mad magazine