Are you shaking? Well, you might be going through withdrawal: last week was the first time in the history of the Attention-Whore Index that Prince Harry was nowhere to be found. We know it’s hard. Have you tried going to meetings?
The week undeniably belonged to George Santos, who took the No. 1 spot with 46 percent of the vote. Distant second was the granddaddy of all Chinese spy balloons (25 percent), followed by Trump and Liz Truss, who seem to have found common ground in something other than disgrace—they tied at 8.33 percent. The stragglers were Prince Andrew, Sasha Walpole, and France’s Michel Houellebecq.
The nominees in this week’s edition of the Attention-Whore Index Poll are …
1.
TOM CRUISE
America’s favorite aviator proved that he always does his own stunts—particularly when they involve glad-handing, backslapping, and cooing in Austin Butler’s ear at the pre-Oscars luncheon—displaying the stamina of a man half his age.
2.
DONALD TRUMP
The former president proved that he’s not only clever (he called Rihanna’s Super Bowl halftime performance an “epic fail”) but ironic, too: the sick burn went wide on …Truth Social.
3.
don lemon
It was a bold, attention-grabbing move when the host of CNN This Morning announced that G.O.P. presidential candidate Nikki Haley, 51, was “not in her prime.” Lemon, a spry 56, suggested that only women in their 20s, 30s, and possibly 40s should be considered presidential material. CNN employees—see the disgraced Chris Cuomo, Jeffrey Toobin, etc.—obviously peak much later.
4.
CHANNING TATUM
Magic Mike’s Last Dance, the latest in the long-running male-stripper franchise, was the highest-grossing film of Super Bowl weekend, proving that Americans take body positivity seriously. That’s what that means, right?
5.
PHARRELL WILLIAMS
The baby-faced rapper-producer-designer—who’s actually 49 years old—has been tapped by Louis Vuitton—deceptively young itself, at 169 years old—to replace dearly departed creative director of men’s-wear Virgil Abloh. Will he make them “Happy”? Or Yeezy?
6.
PRESIDENT XI
Last week we gave credit to the spy balloon, but this week we have to acknowledge the budding aeronaut behind the joystick. He’s playing coy, naturally, but NORAD enthusiasts everywhere know whom to thank for the sudden resurgence in U.F.O.’s.
7.
KING CHARLES
Because we couldn’t let you go completely cold turkey, here’s your fix of royal-family drama. KC3 claims he wants Harry and Meghan to attend his coronation. Some people just don’t want a quiet life.
Nathan King is a Deputy Editor for AIR MAIL
