This summer, the P.G.A. Tour agreed to merge with rival LIV Golf, which is backed by Saudi Arabia’s Public Investment Fund, an entity controlled by Saudi crown prince Mohammed bin Salman. The proposed merger comes after the P.G.A. Tour and LIV Golf became embroiled in lawsuits regarding anti-trust claims. The deal would end all pending litigation.
Proposed rule changes for all LIV-P.G.A. events held in Saudi Arabia
- Players will be allowed to force confessions out of caddies if they feel they have been mis-clubbed.
- Players may at any time and for any reason, or no reason, behead their driver. The club. Not the guy who gave them a lift to the tournament. That takes written permission from someone who can forge M.B.S.’s signature.
- Players’ wives are able to travel freely … in the 200-by-100-foot Players’ Wives Only pen.
- Penalties: illegal drop—two strokes; lost ball—two strokes; apostasy—400 lashes.
- On-course hazards: water, bunkers, trees, fescue or thick vegetation, any area in gallery where players’ wives may freely express their thoughts near a hot microphone.
- Players may carry up to 14 clubs in their bag, or up to 16 if 2 of the clubs are restricted.
- Any player who reaches the green of a 650-yard par five in two shots may be arrested and tried for witchcraft.
- Each round will commence after one minute of silence to mourn the 2018 lifting of the women’s-driving ban.
Players’ wives are able to travel freely … in the 200-by-100-foot Players’ Wives Only pen.
- No future events will be scheduled for September 11, which will be renamed September 10b.
- No lie will be considered unplayable, including Holocaust denial, using vultures to conduct espionage, or Jamal Khashoggi’s death from long Covid.
- Spectators in gallery are strongly encouraged to be spectators only. Those yelling, “Get in da hole!,” “You da man!,” or “Oh my Lord!” may be subject to discipline from on-course marshals or the Saudi Golf Department of H.R.T.R. (Human Resources and Tongue Relocation).
- Once the merger is approved, the Saudi Civil and Political Rights Association, dissolved since 2013, will be allowed to maintain a concession stand and gift shop in San Francisco.
- All pros must wash hands before touching glowing orb!
- All pros must wash hands after touching former LIV C.E.O. Greg Norman’s hair!
Tentative 2023–24 Schedule (all events are in Saudi Arabia unless otherwise noted)
- October 20–22: The Hondel Classic (Nofa Golf Club, Tibrak). Participation fees will be tripled if P.G.A. member brings a note from a doctor detailing an attack of conscience.
- November 10–12: The New Tolerance Open† (Whispering Sands Golf Course, Jubail). †Renamed pending merger. Before merger, known as the Infidel Shootout.
- December 15–17: Jared Kushner Quid Pro-Am (Dirab Golf & Country Club, Riyadh). All players must submit orders for kosher meals 180 days in advance.
- January 5–7: M.B.S. Dismembered Guest†† (Royal Greens Golf & Country Club, King Abdullah Economic City). LIV will forego its customary 54-hole format and add a Thursday scramble, where blindfolded heretics try to hide on the course. P.G.A. pros must hit every shot looking the other way. ††Renamed pending merger. Before merger, known as Bob Hope Buried Alive Up to Neck in the Desert Classic.
Any player who reaches the green of a 650-yard par five in two shots may be arrested and tried for witchcraft.
- February 23–25: Waste Management Composted Satirical Cartoonist Invitational (Royal Greens Golf & Country Club, King Abdullah Economic City).
- March 15–17: Saudi Aramco Fatwa Spring Frolic (Intercontinental Palm Golf & Country Club, Riyadh). Format: two-man teams, alternate shots. All players will be tested before and after each round for traces of tobacco or soft drinks. And no singing. Seriously, not even that “Olé! Olé! Olé! Olé! O-lé! O-lé!” song, Sergio …
- April 5–7: the Oppressive Masters (Site T.B.D. Final petrodollar/Bitcoin bids due midnight, March 31).
- May 10–12: Wells Fargo Bankers Boxes Open (Trump National Golf Club; Bedminster, New Jersey; U.S.A.).
- June 21–23: the Travelers Dissident Non-Invitational (Dunes Golf Club/Theme Park/Bouncy Mosque, Dhahran). Format: shotgun start, shotgun intermission, shotgun finish if you mention Jesus in the post-round interview.
- July 3–5: Sharia You Later Woke Memorial (Trump National Doral Golf Club; Miami, Florida; U.S.A.*). Remember those pesky dietary laws? Well, pros (and cons) can shirk them with impunity for a glorious three days at the final stop on the LIV Golf hajj. Thanks to our sovereign host, the course has been re-zoned for a pig-picking. And because it’s Florida, open carry of diet soda! *District Judge Aileen Cannon may change venue.
Bill Scheft is the author of five novels. He was a staff writer for David Letterman for 24 years
