Madison Avenue royalty will be on full display at Monday’s historic funeral in London.
To attend the solemn events, advertising namesakes and mascots will travel from as near as Pepperidge Farm and as far as the Valley of the Jolly Green Giant.
First to arrive will be the Burger King and the Order of French Fries.
He will be followed by 63-year-old Princess Phone, who always looks regal in pink. She may receive a tepid reception, which royal-watchers attribute to the fact that she has virtually disappeared in recent years. “No one calls me anymore,” she reportedly confided to the Dairy Queen.
Serta’s King Mattress will not attend, due to a nasty case of bedbugs, but he will be well represented by Queen Mattress and their heirs apparent, the twin Mattresses.
Representing the world of gaming will be Duke Nukem. He will be flanked by the King of All Media, Howard Stern, and the King of Staten Island, Pete Davidson, whose trademark bad-boy behavior has prompted the British press to label him a “royal pain in the ass.”
The military will send as their emissaries Cap’n Crunch and Colonel Sanders.
Local children will no doubt continue the centuries-old tradition of scanning the crowd in a game of “Count the Counts.” Among those expected to be spotted are Count Chocula and Count von Count, of Sesame Street.
Missing notables will include the King of Beers, Budweiser, and Prince Spaghetti, who has a prior dinner engagement.
And to the delight of just about everyone in attendance, Prince Albert will arrive in a can.
Following the funeral, there will be a small reception, catered by King Kullen.
John Ficarra, former editor of Mad magazine, recently tested positive for immaturity