There has long been a basic, irrefutable axiom of American politics that anyone considering a run for national office must put out his or her Big Picture–Deep Thought–Curative Vision for America book.
It’s as much a given as Nancy Pelosi’s husband’s uncanny ability to anticipate government legislation and make millions on the stock market. With this in mind, news has arrived from the publishing canyons of New York that the junior Republican senator from Missouri, the super-fit and incredibly nimble Josh Hawley, will be throwing his manuscript into the ring.
The book is called Manhood: The Masculine Virtues America Needs. Yes, this is the same ultra-masculine Josh Hawley who was seen skipping away from the insurrectionists on January 6, hours after virtuously raising a fist signaling his support of them. The book is being published by the Salem Media Group’s Regnery Publishing next May. Too late for the midterms, but just in time for the 2023 Memorial Day flag plantings that will mark the official start of the 2024 presidential campaign. As the publisher describes it:
“The American Founders believed that a republic depends on certain masculine virtues. Senator Josh Hawley thinks they were right. In a bold new book, he calls on American men to stand up and embrace their God-given responsibility as husbands, fathers, and citizens.”
To which we heartily respond:
“Yeah. Well, O.K. Good. If you say so. Whatever.”
Now, the truth is we’re not going to read this book. We don’t want to read it; we don’t have to read it. In fact, no one is going to read it, save for book reviewers who are getting paid to read it, and maybe a beleaguered talent booker or two at HBO’s Real Time with Bill Maher. Nevertheless, to save you time from reading it, or even thinking about it again, here’s an advance hunch at what Hawley’s book tour is going to sound like.
Senator Hawley, in a few sentences, what made America great?
God, guns, and pickup trucks. Families. Manly Men, doing Manly things. Cowboys, the Hoover Dam. Also, the Super Bowl.
And what would you say is wrong with America today?
Not enough Manly Men, doing Manly things. Not enough God, guns, or pickup trucks.
How would you fix this?
More God, more guns, more families, more pickup trucks. More Hoover Dam. More Super Bowl. More Manly Men, doing Manly Things. Did I forget to mention hunting and fishing?
Your critics have accused you of running like a scared jackrabbit from the MAGA crowd during the January 6 riots at the Capitol. Your response?
Nonsense. I wasn’t running from anything. I was sprinting—wind-sprinting—toward a brighter and better American future.
What do you think of critical race theory?
I’m all for it, so long as it involves NASCAR and a Dodge Viper.
Given the recent Supreme Court ruling, what are your thoughts on abortion and a woman’s right to choose?
As far as I’m concerned, she should be free to choose whatever she’d like: keep the kid, or put it up for adoption.
Where did you first encounter the Communists, atheists, race-baiters, and Democrats who hate our country?
Yale Law School.
What are your thoughts on American foreign policy?
If God hadn’t wanted us to lead the world, why would he have given us Tom Cruise, aircraft carriers, and the F/A-18E/F Super Hornet? Also, the Super Bowl.
Looking at the upcoming presidential election, do you still support Donald Trump?
I respect, admire, and support Donald Trump, along with the entire MAGA platform, and will certainly vote for him again, unless he is indicted, jailed, or decides for the good of the country that, at 78 years old on Election Day 2024, he will be too old and still too divisive to win. Otherwise, I’m 100 percent there for him.
What do you make of Florida governor Ron DeSantis?
Never heard of him. But I hear he’s too divisive to win a national office.
So let’s say current events don’t break your way, and you don’t end up as the Republican Party presidential nominee in 2024. Any thoughts about your future?
America will still need more God, more guns, more Hoover Dam, more Super Bowl. More Manly Men, doing Manly things. You’ll be able to read all about it in the revised version of Manhood: The Masculine Virtues America Needs, due out in paperback in May 2026, with a new afterword by Donald Trump Jr.—unless, by then, God willing, I have a show on Fox News.
Bruce Feirstein is a longtime Vanity Fair contributing editor, perhaps best known for writing the book Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche, along with screenwriting three James Bond movies: GoldenEye, The World Is Not Enough, and Tomorrow Never Dies