To Mike Pence:
“Tick tock, bitch.”
To Mark Meadows:
“Hey, current Chief Of Staff, Mark Meadows, it’s me, Ginni Thomas, wife of Clarence Thomas, urging you to illegally overturn the results of the 2020 election, as I am involved with a group of alt-right radicals who if unhappy with the results, will storm the Capitol Building in Washington D.C. on January 6th, 2021. I agree with their goals and methodologies full-heartedly, and again, I, Ginni Thomas, am unabashedly requesting that this illegal action should be taken. — Ginni Thomas.”
To Aerosmith:
“Hello, I wrote a song I would like you to perform on Jan. 6 at the Capitol.”
To Nancy Pelosi:
“Just curious, what size noose do you wear?”
To Marjorie Taylor Greene:
Link to a video titled “Bear Vs. Gorilla: Who Would Win?”
To Clarence Thomas:
“Listen, buster, if you’re not going to bother to take out the trash AGAIN, the least you can do is help overturn the election results, or are you too busy with one of your WHORES?”
To Enrique Tarrio, Proud Boys leader:
“You are formally invited to attend my insurrection garden party at the Capitol Building on Wednesday, Jan. 6. Please RSVP.”
To Mark Meadows:
“Release the kraken, Mark! I don’t know exactly what that means in this context but thought it sounded cool in the event that something goes terribly wrong and these messages are subpoenaed and subsequently made public.”
To Dominion Voting Systems:
“I have been a loyal Dominion customer for years, but if you do not admit to what you did in November, I will never, I repeat NEVER, buy another voting machine from you again.”
To Jimmy Fallon:
“Mr. Fallon, you MUST block the certification of Joe Biden in your monologue tonight. The whole world is watching.”
To Chief Justice John Roberts:
“It has recently come to my attention that you still have my good Tupperware. Return it at once or I will sue you in the United States Supreme Court.”
To Politico:
“BREAKING NEWS, Anonymous D.C. Insider Reveals The Democrats Stole The Election And The Results Should Be Overturned <— You will want to run this after you read this email…”
To Buffalo Wild Wings:
“Do you guys cater? I have a riot going on Jan. 6, and I need to feed a lot of people.”
“You are formally invited to attend my insurrection garden party at the Capitol Building on Wednesday, Jan. 6. Please RSVP.”
To Donald Trump:
“Hiiiii :- )”
To Vince Gilligan:
“Was Breaking Bad real and, if so, can you help me out in Arizona? I need a tough scary guy for threats.”
To Ginni Thomas:
“You are powerful. You are incredible. You can do anything. Believe in yourself and your own abilities. You can rock this, girlie!”
To Mike Pence:
“Let them hang Pence.”
To Mike Pence:
“Sorry, that was for someone else.”
To John Eastman:
“If anyone asks, we were just exchanging casserole recipes, got it?”
To Marjorie Taylor Greene:
“Prove you’re not just virtue signaling by rushing Biden with a pocket knife now.”
To QVC:
“Yes, hello, I would like to do another bulk order of amorphous tops from the Paula Deen line.”
To Jay Johnston:
“I agree, there are too many musical numbers on Bob’s Burgers. What if something could be done…”
To Ashli Babbitt:
“You can’t pussy out now, Ashli. Everything is going to be fine.”
