With the repeal of Roe v. Wade almost a foregone conclusion, red-state lawmakers are falling all over themselves proposing new laws to even further restrict a women’s right to choose. Who needs to watch The Handmaid’s Tale when you can just watch the evening news?

Wyoming: Any woman attempting to leave the state would be subject to a random search and sonogram.

Missouri: Dry cleaners would no longer be allowed to return laundry on wire hangers.

Utah: Any pubescent girl who begins menstruating must notify her congressman in writing within 10 days.

Alabama: All HIPAA and doctor-patient confidentiality laws would be null and void. In addition, priests hearing confession must wear a wire.

Texas: Abortions would be illegal for all women except those who are undocumented immigrants, who may continue to get them under the state’s “Enhanced Deportation Program.”

North Dakota: Any doctor found guilty of violating the sanctity of life by performing an abortion would face the death penalty.

South Dakota: Any woman who experiences a spontaneous abortion must immediately call 911 and seal off her bathroom as a crime scene.

Idaho: Appropriation of $10 million for the training and deployment of I.U.D.-sniffing dogs.

Kentucky: In any case of rape or incest where a pregnancy results, the prosecuting attorney may not refer to the defendant as a “rapist.” Acceptable alternatives include “sperm donor,” “sexual partner,” and “proud papa of a bouncing baby boy.”

Oklahoma: A legislative proclamation affirming the belief that “life begins the minute the man puts on a Barry White record.”

Mississippi: The easing of restrictions for purchasing guns in the mail for the purpose of shooting any postal employee delivering morning-after pills.

Florida: Anyone caught googling the term “in vitro fertilization” would face a minimum of 15 days in the county jail.

John Ficarra, former editor of Mad magazine, recently tested positive for immaturity