Abraham Lincoln is boring and ugly and lacks charm, and nobody should vote for him. He is too tall to be president, and he doesn’t smile enough. Shouldn’t we expect a president to be fun? How can anyone expect a one-term congressman this ugly, this calm, this boringly intelligent, to be anything but a lousy president of the United States? He behaves like a grown-up. Who wants a grown-up in charge? Not me.
His presidential campaign is the butt of jokes in the press. Does he really expect us to report honest news about him when his opponent’s writers are so much better at inventing colorful lies that sell newspapers? Lincoln feeds us nourishing food, but the other side gives us better liquor. Mr. Lincoln hasn’t even answered the disturbing charges that he is descended from baboons (on his father’s side).
