It was with much fanfare that CNN unveiled its new streaming service, CNN+. Costing millions to develop, the channel was the network’s big-bucks bet that there was a large, untapped market of viewers willing to shell out an additional $5.99 a month to watch Wolf Blitzer deliver the same news they could watch him deliver on regular CNN.
This week, management pulled the plug on the new network—32 days after its launch! It turns out there aren’t as many gullible viewers out there as management thought, and initial subscription numbers weren’t exactly robust.
So, who exactly did sign up for CNN+?
- Boneheaded AT&T executives who just realized that, up until a few weeks ago, they used to own CNN
- Friends of Jeff Zucker’s who were away in Europe and hadn’t been keeping up
- Lonely, misguided single women, drooling over that hunk Anderson Cooper
- Confused patients of Dr. Sanjay Gupta’s who thought they were scheduling an office visit
- Financially irresponsible viewers who didn’t care if their streaming bill topped $500 a month
- “Suspender enthusiasts” who couldn’t wait to savor “The Best of Larry King Live!” reruns
- Don Lemon’s fan
- Delusional self-publishers who were 100 percent positive that Jake Tapper was going to pick their novel for his fledgling book club
- Chris Wallace, Kasie Hunt, Alison Roman, and Audie Cornish (mandatory under the terms of their new employment contracts)
- Warner Bros. movie executives who were curious to see where all the profits from their division were being wasted
- Other guys saddled with the name “Wolf”
- Lonely, single men, drooling over that hunk Anderson Cooper
- Newly appointed execs from parent company Warner Bros. Discovery, trying to figure out the best way to quickly and quietly shut down the whole damn thing
John Ficarra, former editor of Mad magazine, recently tested positive for immaturity